(Jivester News, Lmtd.) The calendar date known as 9/11, which had previously distanced itself from being associated with any one political figure, has ended speculation as to who it would support (from among the many declared candidates for the office of the President of the United States) by declaring that Rudy Giuliani is the guy for it. 9/11, speaking at a calendar signing expo in Toronto, told the crowd of mostly polite Canadians that “…Rudy loves me and I love Rudy. And if I call Rudy, and he’s busy, he still picks up, because that’s how much he loves me.”

News reports that Rudy Giuliani is leaving his third wife for 9/11 have not been confirmed, but sources close to the former mayor of New York have spoken off the record vis a vis Rudy really knows how to please a calendar date. One source, who asked to be identified but I said no fucking way, added, “There wouldn’t be any days left in the year if Rudy had his way with them. That guy could hammer Tuesday into Friday, and leave ’em begging for more on the weekend. An example: One night I heard 9/11 moaning through the walls of the hotel we were staying in—and I do mean moaning. I knocked on the door to see if those two were okay in there, you know, the mayor and 9/11—and Rudy answered wearing that blonde wig and a nightgown to die for. So I figured it was best to just leave them alone, capiche?”

In other news, 12/7/41 has thrown its support behind the New England Patriots, which may be partly due to some difficulty in the translation.

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