The greatest hits from the next Republican torture tapes are going to include all of the following:

The administration particularly opposes restricting the CIA to interrogation methods approved by the military in 2006. That document prohibits forcing detainees to be naked, perform sexual acts, or pose in a sexual manner; placing hoods or sacks over detainees' heads or duct tape over their eyes; beating, shocking, or burning detainees; threatening them with military dogs; exposing them to extreme heat or cold; conducting mock executions; depriving them of food, water, or medical care; and waterboarding.

And there you have it.

Jesus, of course, was in favor of all those techniques and, while not engaged in his real estate business, spent many happy hours improving his techniques on children, animals, and the unchurched.