And in the third week, he rose again

lambert's picture

But rose in a 100% manly, and extremely heterosexual way, of course:

Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is "completely heterosexual" and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser.

"Completely," eh? Overcompensate much, Ted?

Sweet Jeebus, three weeks? That's "intensive"! What on earth could they have done to the man?

Chemical castration? Electroshock? Cattle prods? Images of Anne Coulter and "her" Adam's Apple?

NOTE Does anybody remember whether Our Ted was a bottom, or a top? I wonder if he told the oversight board?

If you liked this post, buy the author some books.

Comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

Shit, you beat me to this one

Just saw it in Fredericksburg, dammit. That'll teach me to wander off my reading list to check blogs and get into a religion-definition contest at Kos.

[kicks can morosely. Stubs toe. Curses.]

Oh, and I don't remember for sure but the pattern in a case like this would be for Ted to be a bottom, seeking punishment for his sinful desires. But he's heading off for a "secular career" now in "Missouri or Iowa" so praise Jeebus he will never be exposed to meth or teh ghey again as they are unknown in those purified regions. Smile

THIS JUST IN...is it a sign that on the same day Pastor Ted was cured of the Gay and all, the two-faced calf of Virginia has gone to that Big Dairy Farm in the Sky? Ah, the mysteries of the Divine will are truly beyond human comprehension.

chicago dyke's picture

more important than curing teh ghey is kicking the meth habit

three weeks isn't even close. now, i'm not saying he was an addict full blown (ha!) but this is exactly why meth is sweeping rural america. people don't understand the nature of addiction, and believe some private time with the risen one (ha ha!) is the only cure-all they need.

addiction to smoking pipe, either kind (ha ha ha!)isn't something you can cure. you can learn to live without it, one day at a time, but that's about all.

lambert's picture

Help with the meth epidemic would be a no-brainer for Dems

and I can't understand why they don't seize the chance.

I've had a relative caught up in that, and it's just terrible. Far worse than any of the temptations I was exposed to in the days of my youth, and combined with a world that offers a lot less opportunity.

No authoritarians were tortured in the writing of this post.

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mahatma Gandhi

shystee's picture

PBS on Meth

Watched this brilliant (as usual) Frontline documentary on the Meth epidemic the other day.

All it would have taken to stop the epidemic was:

- to strictly control who received industrial quantities of pseudoephedrine (there are only like 6 manufacturing plants in the world)

- put sudafed behind the counter

The pharma companies successfully resisted any regulation.

chicago dyke's picture

i just saw a guy get turned down at the 7-11, trying to buy

some of the ingredients in meth, via those little "pick me up" pills they sell "for truckers." he was asked to show id, and didn't have any, he went to his car and drove away, instead of coming back with his wallet.

but you're right shy, this is something i hope you would post on. democrats need to get tough on big pharma. it's beyond evil and wrong they won't go with those most basic regulations and changes in distribution simply because they're enjoying huge meth related profits.

Joe Bourgeois's picture

Top or Bottom?

I don't remember exactly why, but I got the distinct impression when the story came out that Haggard was catchin', not pitchin'.

All the "Sudafed behind the counter" has done

, imho, is piss off massive numbers of people who were none too happy to begin with because they are snorting like congested heifers, and move the meth manufacturing operations to Mexico.

Meaning that it's increasing our trade deficit, dammit, and encouraging illicit cross-border movement (where's Loud Obbs when you need him?), and increasing the purity of the resulting street dope. Which you now have to buy on said street instead of making in the privacy of your own tractor shed, thereby encouraging an interest in chemical engineering and providing an entrepreneurial income.

/snark

Yeah it's good that backyard/trailer park/cow pasture meth lab seizures are down, but the effect seems to be the freeing up all the SWAT gear recently bought by extremely rural county sheriff's departments for other use.

Meth use on the other hand, at least as indicated by arrest reports in the local weekly paper, have changed not even a little bit. Maybe a slight uptick in the Schedule VI (pot) busts over Sched. IV (meth/crystal/rock of any sort), but that's about it.

As to what Dems (or anybody) could do to "jump on this as an issue" I'm genuinely not sure. Problem of course is to get people with drug addiction problems into addiction treatment rather than prison. Unfortunately I hardly ever see anybody busted just for the act of possession itself. There's almost always a concommittent crime, either theft/burglary or automotive of some sort (fleeing arrest, DUI, reckless driving etc) which would get the person into the criminal justice system either for fines or jail time even if no drugs were involved.

lambert's picture

Well, I hope he brought his own glove...

Of course, all that's in the past, now.

Three weeks! It's a miracle, I tell you!

No authoritarians were tortured in the writing of this post.

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mahatma Gandhi

Update re: Haggard top/bottomness

From an authoritative source at, appropriately enough, the Crack Den:

Did Mel Brooks write Olbermann's copy for the Haggard story?

Jesus.

That was hilarious.

Let's see, Haggard was PAYING someone to LET him blow them, and now he's straight.

Uh huh

I will leave it to experts to determine whether this constitutes toppiness, bottomitude, or, um, exactly what. Further, deponent sayeth not. I am disinclined to have Google's Argus-eyed recorders take note of any search I might do for data on this subject.

Yeah, I'm a wuss. Sue me. :)

chicago dyke's picture

another crack den classic

the author of which i've long forgotten.

"every guy thinks about what it would be like to suck a cock once in a while. that's normal. but if you think about sucking cock, all the time, in every variation, constantly, even when you're "with" women...

dude. just go suck some cock. and accept that you like it. and that this...means you're gay."

why someone would spend a life of self hatred and denial is beyond me. especially when it means the denial of actual pleasure. but then, i'm not a republican...

lambert's picture

Perhaps the denial IS the pleasure?!

Like you, CD, I don't pretend to understand these people...

No authoritarians were tortured in the writing of this post.

First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win. -- Mahatma Gandhi

I am eternally grateful

for stories like this. What could be more perfect than a right-wing, evangelical fundie fudge packer?

Help the hamsters with their winter heating bill ...

… as they power the wheels that turn the servers at The Mighty Corrente Building. Please, won’t you help them keep their cages shiny?

No PayPal Account required! Give the hamsters immediate relief!

Or Subscribe to make a monthly payment!

Corrente is completely supported by contributions from readers. Thank you!

Download Citibank Plutonomy files

Part 1 [PDF]

Part 2 [PDF]

Good reading! Favorite quote: What could go wrong?
Beyond war, inflation, the end of the technology/productivity wave, and financial collapse, we think the most potent and short-term threat would be societies demanding a more ‘equitable’ share of wealth.

The 12 Word Platform

1. Medicare for All

2. End the Wars

3. Tax the Rich

4. A Jobs Guarantee

Senior fellows of The Mighty Corrente Building

Leah (CA), Lambert (PA/ME), RDF (??), BDBlue (DC), Hipparchia (FL), MsExPat (NY), letsgetitdone (DC), twig (LA), Tony Wikrent, (NC), jawbone (PA).

Corresponding fellows

danps.

Western Coordinator

coyotecreek

Correspondents

Health care reform: DCBlogger.

Fellows emeritus

mjs, Riggsveda, Tresy, Tom, hekebolos, chicagodyke, shystee, and Xenophon, Vastleft (MA), Sarah (TX).

Random term

Beltway Conventional Wisdom. As opposed to PO (Public Opinion). Originated by Shystee.

I support Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

Americans United is dedicated to preserving the constitutional principle of church-state separation as the only way to ensure religious freedom for all Americans.