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BREAKING JEWS: Christianity a Fiction Fashioned by Semites!

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Twenty centuries later, a secret revealed...but you have to give them credit. They can keep a straight face with the best of them.

(Jivester News, Lmtd.) In a breathtaking announcement today, Rabbi Soyvitch Goldberginsky told a slightly confused gathering of End Timers at a How to Dress for the Rapture: Boxers, Briefs or Dangler's Puffery seminar in Las Vegas, Nevada that the basis for their religion, the founding gospels of the New Testament were in fact part of an elaborate gag perpetrated by "...a few wisenheimers back in the day. The guys were sitting around, tossing shrimp at pigs for who-knows-why, when one of them says "Hey, what if we say that God shtupped a zaftig and Jr. will give everyone a Get Out of Hell card? And they will have to sing ass-kissing songs and feel bad a lot of the time, just like us."

The audience, who stopped breathing as they scratched their heads, were a bit confused by the announcement.

Added Goldberginsky, "What, you didn't know that? You didn't maybe suspect a little something was up with all the David Blaine stuff? Millions of people in the "I'm With Stupid" line and still you don't know? It was a giggle. A zoo. We made it up. What, you thought Yawheh was real too? If I slap your face does wind come out?"

Ed Handlebarb of Grunting, West Virginia, who was attending the conference as part of God's Plan to place him "...near tall, naked white women" did not understand what Goldberginsky was saying. "Did he say Jesus was a Jew? Everybody knows he was a Christian--I mean, yeah, He was a Jew, but His dad was a Christian. Well, His dad was a Jew--no, He did business with the Jews and made a baby with a Jew, but then he became a Christian. He was baptized and everything...they made that shit up? Holy mother of daddy, what the hell am I supposed to pray to now?"

A slight digression vis a vis the Punking of the Gentiles Story: after his stunning public admission to Jewish complicity in the World's Longest Running Gag, a crowd of angry men in long coats and hats began to taunt Soyvitch upon his arrival back in Los Angeles--the Orthodox men wore hats that had been blocked with an attention to detail that should shame anyone who ever tried to block a hat and then charged someone else--i.e. the paying customer for what was obviously substandard work...I mean, so many so-called haberdashers charge for work that is garbage--their so-called craft should stumble and die and rot in a dump. Lousy work that should be loudly condemned and people should dance and laugh at how dumped it all is. But I digress. You would too, if you paid for a hat to be blocked and then it came back like a rhombus. A rhombus. I kid you not. Anyway...

Well, I've had my say. The crowd of Orthodox Jews gathered around and started yelling and making those loud grunting sounds they are famous for. One man with a beard like a wolverine with a mouthful of bear fur who just ate a hair pie during a full moon in a barbershop called out, "Shut your trap, Soyvitch. What, you want the gentiles to get wise? Are you a crazy person? Everything was fine. They were sending cash to the Likkud with great regularity, and now you want they should feel stupid? We should stone you where you stand. Wait, move a little to the left...not my left, your left. Good: that is where we should stone you."

Spokesmen for various Christian groups responded to this story, each adding a unique perspective. Pope German Guy With a Weird Rat Like Face seemed resigned to the whole brouhaha. Pausing while loading gold bars into his VW van, the Pope told this interviewer, "I knew this day would come. I had it in the pool. Das tut mir leid." After loading the van up the Pope jumped in the back as his driver started the engine. It lunged a little, made a grinding sound, stopped short, and then was blown apart by normally cautious bazooka-wielding Bishops who were concerned that the gold bars might not be used for God's Greater Glory or whatever.

"We felt the Holy Spirit," said one Bishop who asked that we don't ask any questions about the Holy Spirit's age. I'd say the lad was eight or nine, ten tops. And I'm sorry, but those were tears in that little boy's eyes. Big Catholic tears.

American Christian Fundamentalists remained non-plussed by the announcement. "Look-the Jews control Hollywood, know what I mean?" said Reverend G. Happy "Doc" Doolittle of the Very First Baptist Church in Little Vapors, Mississippi. "Hollywood is Entertainment, you understand? Show folks a good time, maybe make them think a little--maybe not. And if they invented Christianity the way Soyvitch contendeth, they must have had a good reason for what they have done. Surely, they will die and reside in everlasting fire, but where will that fire come from? I ain't gonna pay for it. You gonna pay for it? They made up Satan, too--think he's gonna pay for it? I don't think he's gonna pay for it. Hallelujah. Lost at last, lost at last, thank them Jew Boys, we are lost at last!"

CNN, unsure of just about everything except how many pharmaceutical companies are coming to their summer picnic, has decided to not cover this story. Wolf Blitzer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said (anonymously, of course), "Dick Cheney doesn't give a shit about God. Why should I? Dick? Anyone? I got a situation here. Which is good, because I'm in the Situation Room. I'm dying."

Deepak Chopra has been giggling incoherently for about a week and could not be channeled for comment.

Well, that does it for tonight. Tune in later this week when Jivester News goes undercover to reveal the truth about some other once sacred, now discarded, pile of utter nonsense.

Go with God.

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Submitted by [Please enter a... (not verified) on

You're Yiddish is a quirky--"zaftig" is an adjective. It means plump (in a voluptuous sort of way...)

leah's picture
Submitted by leah on

whatever you may have heard...although I.B. Singer did admit in his acceptance of the Novel Prize for Literature that much of the world considers is dead, but that was okay with him, since he writes a lot of ghost stories, and a dead language seemed a good choice...

And as in English, adjectives have a persistent habit of becoming nouns...but as a sister zaftig, I take your point...

Jivester News Service is a great brand...we should be pushing it as a boutique rival to The Onion..this is better than a good deal of the The Onion...the mighty Corrente building could be its home office...

MJS, as per Shystee...fucking hilarious, fucking brilliant, fucking amazing satire...

my people bless you MJS...

Jonathan Swift is giggling severely in his grave...

MJS's picture
Submitted by MJS on

truly zaftig: Mom, please stop with the lurking. Remember when I was a kid and I found your battery operated "adjective?" And you said it was for Elijah on account of maybe he had a sore neck? I thought so.

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I'm glad some of you enjoyed this breaking news story--what with the pitchforks and the yelling and the torches and the Cheetohs outside our house...and that was just my family.

It's always "shoot the messenger" isn't it. At least three times in the forehead.

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Submitted by [Please enter a... (not verified) on

"shiksa" shouldn't it? I wondered about the zaftig too but maybe that's just because traditional art depicting the teenager in question shows her as quite willowy if not downright bony.

Guess it all depends on what your particular deity finds attractive on any given day. Greek dudes used to have the same problem....

'Course I get most of my Yiddish from recordings of old Catskills comedians and Allan Sherman records so wadda I know.

Have a nagila

Have two nagila

Have three nagila

They are very small.

Submitted by [Please enter a... (not verified) on

Love the Get Out of Jail free card concept--that is it! No good deeds needed--you are elect, by virtue of being born to Christain slaves, um, parents.

I have often wondered how a religion based upon such an outlandish story came to be. Here it is.

Submitted by [Please enter a... (not verified) on

Mr. Jivester! Tears rolling down the cheeks, cats jumping off the sofa in fear, the whole schlemiel, as I believe you people would say. Thanks mjs, I needed that.

O M G

Giggled and cried until the tears nearly short circuited my keyboard. May have even soiled myself in the process....

"Pope German Guy With a Weird Rat Like Face" is absolutely brilliant, and spot on.

Thanks MJS!

Turlock