Charles Manson is not yet sure if he'll abuse his new position to foment discord, start race riots, or to appear on American Idol.

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(Jivester News, Lmtd.) The Bush Administration has formally announced which organization will receive the highly coveted Federal Prison Maintenance contract, and it was no surprise that the winner is Charles Manson, who will take over the post right after Congress shits its pants. Presideadend Bush revealed his intentions to reporters who promised to remain indifferent. Charles Manson has declined to be interviewed about his new role in our prison system unless he is given a "Build Your Own Race War" kit and twelve apostles. And some girls. And two cases of Abba Zabba taffy bars.

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In other news, Presideadend Bush also announced the names of a number of other new players on the national scene: Eddie "Pyro" Flamesalot has been named as head of the U.S. Forest Service, Dalton "Fingers" MaGrapple (recently released from jail for having committed a series of regrettable yet largely successful armed robberies) will be running the World Bank, and Harry Reems has volunteered to safeguard the Bush Family's Family Bushes. I'd explain that gag but then I'd feel ashamed, and I don't want to feel ashamed.

Lastly, if anyone knows the whereabouts of our newly appointed Drug Czar (Ed "Nostrils" "Snortsie" "Powderface" "Coke Head" McGinty) the White House asks if you can drop them a line. Apparently much of the nation's confiscated drugs have been missing since the FDA asked local DEA members to "drop ship with extreme prejudice" all of their respective contraband just before Fat Tuesday, and send it to McGinty's office. "Seriously," said Bush, looking like a man who could use a line or two, "Let us know if you know where he is. He's got more stash than a Yalie at Homecoming. Fucker."

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Image of a younger and very awake-looking Charles Manson from here.

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