[Managing to lower the bar yet again, Bush managed to publish a handy-dandy guide to making atomic bombs, in Arabic, on the net.

But I can't write about that, because if I did, I'd start screaming again. So, following Woody Allen, let's talk about Sex and Meth! Because, as the worst headline of the week says, Haggard sex allegations could rub off [!] on election returns.

Yes, Ted "Twitch" Haggard only bought meth, and never used it. And only bought an extremely legitimate and non-sexual massage. From the guy who hooked him up with his dealer. That's his story, and he's sticking to it:

Haggard told reporters outside his home in Colorado Springs that the massage was arranged by a Denver hotel [The name of whose concierge would be?] and was not sexual [No, no, of course not]. He also said he threw the drugs away. "I never kept it very long [Where was the stash? And "kept it" for days, weeks, months? Why keep it?!], because it's -- it was wrong. I was tempted. I bought it [Over three years, apparently], but I never used it," [So why keep buying it?] he said.

Still, it does seem strange that "Twitch" would buy meth from a hotel-recommended masseur. Am I missing something here?

And the best part? The way all the other Christianists are saying, "Ted who? Never knew the guy!" (when Twitch's National Association of Evangelicals claimed 30 millions members, and when the Christian Post called Twitch one of the most influential Christian[sists] on the planet. Jeebus, what a snakepit.

Yeah, Ted who?

Oh, it's beautiful. Christianist Robertson:

[I]t "just isn't true" that the NAE represents 30 million churchgoers, as the association claims.

"We can't get their financial data. I think it's because they have very little money and very little influence," Robertson said.

Oh, yeah, right. Like all the other Christianist scam artists open their books! Of course, this is Robertson's payabck for Haggard saying maybe it wasn't such a good idea to call for Chavez's assassination.

McCain's close friend, Christianist Falwell:

Haggard "doesn't really lead the movement. He's president of an association that's very loose-knit . . . and no one has looked to them for leadership."

Oh, yeah, right. And this is payback from Falwell for going beyond the "values" agenda.

And the increasingly desperate Bush White House:

White House spokesman Tony Fratto denied that Haggard was a regular participant in weekly conference calls between White House officials and evangelical leaders that began when President Bush took office in 2001 and have continued since.

Oh, yeah, right. Every Monday sounds "regular" to me.

Now, personally, I think that blowing up frogs, torturing animals, or, for that matter, torturing people are a lot more serious, degrading, vile, sinful actions than either doing drugs or buying sex. I mean, there are worse people in the world than Dick Morris. Like Laurent Beria. Or like... Well, name any "top" Republican.

And Haggard has the same beliefs. After all, Haggard believes in free market theology, so where does the market stop? [You already know my answer: Anything goes between consenting adults, as long, the Duchess said, "It doesn't frighten the horses.]

In fact, Haggard is a little less lunatic than the rest of 'em. He seems to have raised concerns about torture, for example.

But Haggard is still complicit in the entire Christianist enterprise, so it's hard for me to work up any sympathy for him. "Twitch" Haggard is at the forefront of making sure America's nuclear weapons are kept in the hands of religious fanatics:

[Haggard's] New Life Church sits just across a highway from the United States Air Force Academy, and Haggard has been at the forefront of evangelicals determined to stop Pentagon regulations that might prevent military chaplains from evangelizing.

NOTE Here's the tape:

"Hi, Mike, this is Art," one of the voice mails begins. "Hey, I was just calling to see if we could get any more. Either $100 or $200 supply. . . . And I could pick it up really anytime. . . . I also wanted to get your address so I could send you some money for inventory."

Money for inventory? Boy, is Twitch a wise virgin, or what?