I don’t know if it’s the stomach flu or his resulting flatulence (regardless of the orifice), but Secretary of Homeland Security, Michael Chertoff’s prediction of attacks on the United States this summer, stinks.

On Tuesday, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff told the editorial board of The Chicago Tribune that he had a “gut feeling” about a new period of increased risk of terrorist attacks within the United States.

“Summertime seems to be appealing to them,” Chertoff said. “We worry they are rebuilding their activities.”

Who needs Chertoff when we have a very capable great American to truly use magic to protect our country? I say – David Copperfield for Secretary of Homeland Security. Then an illusionist can report directly to the “delusionist.”

Perhaps after his confirmation Copperfield could introduce an emergency sending bill to the Congress to pay for the necessary crystal balls, Ouija boards and Tarot cards. Instead of torture, we could institute a program of palm reading at Guantanamo Bay – that wouldn’t violate the Geneva Convention, would it?

Screw the CIA, NSA and the FBI. All we need is a committee on Homeland Security consisting of Kreskin, Penn & Teller, Chris Angel and that guy dressed up like Bozo the Clown from my 5th birthday party.

We could then rest assured that absolutely everything is being done to protect us. Then, and only then, would the fact that we haven’t been attacked since September 11, 2001 have a logical explanation.

Maybe after that, the committee could put a rabbit out of their hat and get our troops home from Iraq.