So, I guess I have to do this one in a blog post, seeing as the hubby in question has a wife who reads, filters, and discards emails in *his* box she doesn't want him to read. But for his sake, because he's a sweet and dear man who deserves to know it's (for once) Not his Fault:
Goodbye, Dear Friend. It was nice knowing you. Thank you for being there for me when it mattered, so long ago. You are a Good Man, perhaps the greatest of str8 men I've ever known when it comes to your kids and compassion, and I love you in the way I love everyone like you: decent, hardworking, honest person that you are and always will be. But it's her choice, and her right. And one I don't want to be a part of, not in any sense. She threw down the gauntlet, and I refused the challenge. I wish you both, and your kids, the best.
It'll all work out well for you all, I'm sure, and in time she'll see: I'm not and never was a threat.
I'll use a term I don't like in the way I don't like "sheeple," but which every once in a while I fail to think of a better substitute for the sentiment. Breeder Games are so Boring. Really, they're boring in the way "white trash" or "ghetto" games are dull to those with wealth, education and opportunity. Sad, sick, unhealthy people trapped in sad, sick, unhealthy and unprofitable relationships are to be pitied. And so I do. But I also don't include them in my life, not as counselor, nor as friend, unless (brually speaking) I'm paid. I'm an Adult, for better or worse, and my definition of that includes an intolerance for what I perceive to be childish games. Get over yourself, get over projection and obession with other people who aren't the cause of your problems. Bottom line to the Breeder female: someone like me, well, I'm not even thinking about men like your husband. I could produce 0000 blog pages explaining why, but that fact that you don 't know this already tells me it would be a waste of my time. So I won't waste it! He's yours, honey, always has been, always will be. Perceive and believe that, for the sake of your children. Because now, I won't be there to help you with them, and believe me, there will come a time when you wish you had all the help you could muster when they hit toddler stage and you have repeated 'Calgon' moments. Ask my sisters; they've enjoyed knowing that having a competent and concerned nonbreeder woman/friend is very, very valuable, at times. Don't cut us all out of your lives, that's all I'm Sayin.
Sigh. Str8 marriage games are just so tired. At least we queerfolk have good shoes; they make playing our games a tad more Fabulous, yo?
...and then there's a tangential "CD encounters the Str8 World at the Bar" moment that I'll share, Lambert-like, later when I have a chance to come back to this post. But let me say in the blogger way: I'm bitter I just wasted 2/3 a day on some other people's crap; when I could've (and would've) just said, "Hey, that's fine! No problem, call me in ten years!" and been done with it. Instead, the morning/workday is gone, and all I have to show for it is bitterness about educational standards in this country ("your" = "you're;" "here" = "hear;" etc.) Jeebus Krist we're fucked. I know because the insanely, foolishly jealous woman I've been dealing with all morning is 1) preventing a liberal Brilliant Scientist from focusing on his work in alternative energy with her jealousy about the non-threat that is me and 2) will pass on many of her issues/problems to their kids, thus fucking another generation of taxpayers/schoolfunders/you and me, Faggot/whatever. Bah. At least they are an "integrated" Southern couple, there's that much progress, I suppose.
Can't we just all grow up already? Is that really too much to ask? Don't tell me; I've read this blog enough to know: the answer is, sadly, No. Feh, such is life.
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Story from the Streets of SF
So last week I was waiting for the walk light at an intersection and a young woman spots my ring.
Her: "I guess marriage is legal for you today?"
Me: "Actually it's been legal for me for a long time. "
Her: "Oh, you're straight"
Me: "Yah, but the ruling is not threatening my marriage. It's not tempting me to switch sides or anything."
That sounds awful.
Jealousy is not rational and it makes people stupid. I'm sorry you lost a friend.
Ahh, Straight Games
In defense of my sexual orientation, fucked up relationships come in all shapes, sizes and gender construction. I've seen my gay and lesbian friends have the same problems I've experienced myself, though my bisexual friends still amaze me on occasion, with the travails their relationships bring.
Of course I seem to have a sign over my house that says "Relationship problems? Come see Aeryl!" And unlike you CD, I can't seem to turn them away, though rarely am I ever the cause of those problems.* Usually the problems occur, the breakup happens, and they turn to me to help pick up the pieces.
I'm currently on my 2nd "surrogate boyfriend"(as my fiance calls them) in 3 yrs, a dear (str8 male) friend who experiences a break up, and then becomes connected to my hip. Good times. The current SB, has had a total of 2 serious relationships, both resulting in engagement, one actually resulting in marriage, and now about to end in divorce. And interestingly enough, yesterday afternoon I attended the wedding of my 1st SB's ex fiance, who just happened to marry into my screwed up extended family.
I wish your friend and his wife luck, and hope she becomes more secure, and recognizes the gem she has in your friend, who seems to be staying with her out of love and devotion, regardless of the "control" factor. I've never understood the desire to be controlling, it seems to me that if your partner wants to cheat, no amount of "control" is going to stop it.
*My best guess as to why I never seem to inspire fits of jealousy in insecure women, is that my partner and I constantly demonstrate our continued devotion to one another, in our own perverted way, and many hear the stories of our own trials and tribulations we have suffered to maintain our relationship, and seem to understand that I would not put our relationship at risk. Which is funny, since my partner and I don't actually hold to monogamy, and if I were not a better person, I could consider their boyfriends "fair game" with no adverse consequences from my partner.
Bill Clinton for First Dude!!!
He who will not reason is a bigot; he who cannot is a fool; and he who dares not is a slave.
- Sir William Drummond
shy, aeryl: heh
shy, you keep me away from your wife with good reason. i live to destroy marriages like yours...heh, just kidding, but i was just saying to some Good Folk defending gay rights, as they were making a similar argument (gays don't threaten my marriage) yes, some of us do threaten, and for and with good reason. i'm on about 4 or 5 republican wives at this point; i'm not at all sorry i'm converting their sorry, lonely selves to the Dark Side. nor will i weep to know their closet case hubbies will be forced to deal with themselves and the truth of their orientation b/c i've taken their beards/fellow closet cases away from them...
aeryl: yes, Our Drama surpasses the turgid, self indulgent, bathos and pathos of the str8 world. and, if i may: the "heterogendered" beat even us at that. sigh, some of my tranny friends are Really Challenging me just now. i'm up for it! i can hack it! this is what i was born for, in terms of being a counselor/friend/shoulder to cry on/mercy fuck/whatever. but still: i realize, queers like me and most of my friends can no longer claim the cutting edge of "gay" drama.
it's a whole new world out there, orientation-wise. i'm old, tired and losing my fab edge, but i'm adept enought to perceive what's coming in the next Gen. seriously, i'm telling you all, str8, gay, queer, whatever: look to these kids. they are breaking it down, rebuilding something else, and have soooooooooo moved past the stupid issues that concern us today. soon, it won't be about "should gays marry," it'll be more about how we can structure the tax code to reflect the fact that there are whole new "genders" and identities and spawn and sex beings that have no precedent. science, and other stuff, guarantees this. it's only a matter of time. to which i say: yeah! i like it when life is exciting, confusing, and nontraditional.
Dear good CD
So sorry. That's a tough loss to endure. Hope both you and he can hold the memory of your friendship tight within your hearts forever.
Not sure, actually, how much of what happened is strictly "straight" behavior. My experience, limited for sure, is that crazy doesn't have a sexual preference - or a gender. The crazies everywhere.
Your friend's wife has some serious issues, opening his email, unreasoned jealousy; give or take you, he has a terrible burden to bear. So sad, for everyone; especially those children.
(((())))
dear bio, gnite n shit
but yeah, i hear you. crazy is crazy. it knows no "gender." that is truth, i thank you for reminding me.
Yep
I often think that in addition to restoring public education, one of the better things this country could do for itself is to have better mental health services. Get people better, get a better country.
Instead, we choose to fuck up our lives individually and collectively because we can't seem to get over or deal with our own shit.
"Do what you feel in your heart to be right -- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do, and damned if you don't. " - Eleanor Roosevelt
Whoa--I think I know this woman
She just called my sister--out of the blue--and said "I want you to stop flirting with my husband." My sister was hurt and insulted and infuriated that her best friend would accuse her of something so bizarre. And her timing couldn't have been worse. Some sort of weird co-dependent, second wife, deep-seated insecurity complex. My sister cried for a day and then said, essentially what you've said: fuck it.
So very, very junior high.