Henry Paulson was out jogging without his guards. All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.

The masked man said “Give me all your money!”

Unwilling to do so, Paulson said, “You can’t do this, I’m the treasury secretary!”
The man then replied,… “Oh, never mind then.

Give me MY money!”

-from riskcenter

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two … one to change the bulb, the other to sell off the old one at the highest price possible before CNBC reports that it’s burned out.

Q: How many commodities traders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they don’t change bulbs; but the trading price of darkness plummets due to oversupply.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and saw a man below. “Excuse me, but can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am,” he said.

The man below replied: “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 ft above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees North latitude and between 56 and 57 degrees West longitude.”

To which the balloonist replied “You must be a broker.”

To which the man on the ground said: “I am, but how did you know?”

The reply came from above: “Everything you told me is technically correct but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The man below responded: “You must be a trader.”

To which the balloonist replied: “Yes, I am, but how did you know?”

To which the man on the ground said: “You don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

What is the difference between a credit default swap and a beanie baby?

You can still sell a beanie baby.

--all from riskcenter

I walked into the bank with a stick of butter and said "Stick 'em up!
Give me all of your bread."

I went to the drive-thru teller window and the teller said, "Would
you like some fries with that?"

I was going to rob a bank, but decided that it was far easier to take
out a 1000 year loan.

I saw a robber with a toy gun enter a bank. When he left the bank he
was carry a bag of play money.

I went into a bank and proceeded to the Loan Department and borrowed
some of their chairs. I will bring 'em back when I'm done.

--www.stephenkramer.com

A Revised Joke-Off!

"Is your advertising getting results?" asked one bank owner. "It sure is," moaned the second bank owner. "Last week we advertised for a night watchman ... and the next night we were robbed."

The conservative banker got on the elevator and curtly asked the bellboy to take him to the stock broker on the 18th floor. "Here's your floor, son," said the bellboy. "How dare you call me son!" exclaimed the outraged man. "Well," replied the boy, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. "Let's try to make this look natural" she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder." The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

A man, who loved money more than just about anything, said just before he died to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." When he died she did what she had promised, came over with the money box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away. So her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen...I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said, "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied, "I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!"

A young college student came running in tears to her mother. "Mom, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the mom. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," she said. "There must be some mistake." "I don't think so," the daughter sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

Revision Joke-Off challenge: any of the last 5 jokes here.

These jokes are slightly adapted from financial-freedom-made-simple.com.
I kid you not. (Poof?)

I went to buy a toaster the other day, and it came with a free bank!

; >

What is hail?
Hard-boiled rain.

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb in a tree and act like a nut.

Why do pigs make good spies?
They're excellent at going in-hog-nito.

What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrot?"

When earthquakes are at fault, what do you call it?
A topographical error.

What does the retired matador say to his chickens every morning?
Oh-lay!

It is a little-known fact that before becoming president of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was for many years foreign corresponcent for Life magazine, dividing his time between their New York and Seoul offices. One day, he left New York for a routine trip to Seoul, but, when he wasn't heard from, the New York office became worried and called the Seoul office. The Seoul office confirmed that he had arrived as scheduled but had left almost immediately for North Korea. They quoted him as saying that he was not at liberty to say where he could be reached but that he would be doing a story on how the other half lived, promising to cable it to Seoul and New York on completion.

The New York office was worried and decided to send a bilingual correspondent to North Korea to try to locate him. He arrived in Seoul, at which time he was told that they had had an update: Syngman Rhee had called in a half hour earlier to say that his story would concern interviews with a taxi driver, a tailor, and a restaurant manager, all in Pyongyang. But he still declined to supply a contact address.

So the reporter decided to go to Pyongyang to track him down. At the Pyongyang airport he took a taxi into town, and luck was with him: while his taxi driver had not been the one interviewed, he knew the driver who had, and he gave the reporter his name. When reporter talked to the driver, the driver said that Rhee had planned to interview a tailor in a district known for its many tailors.

Again luck was with him: out of 3,518 tailors, he only had to talk to 17 before finding the one who had been interviewed by Rhee: he quoted him as saying he intended to talk to a restaurant manager located in a suburb of Pyongyang. Acting on a hunch that the suburb would be the last one on the commuter train line, he took the train for the northern suburbs and got off at the last stop. He interviewed a restaurant manager there without success, so he returned to Pyongyang Central Station and took a train to the northeast, getting off at the last stop. In this way he worked his way around, taking trains to the east, then southeast, and again luck was with him. He did not have to get half way around the circuit before arriving at the last town on a line running southeast of Pyongyang, where he talked to the manager of one of the town's only two restaurants. The manager confirmed that Syngman Rhee had gone to the other one for his interview.

Arriving there, the correspondent talked to the manager, who said that Rhee had just interviewed him and was now in the kitchen talking to the staff. The reporter went into the kitchen, and there was Syngman Rhee, looking as if he hadn't aged a day in three months, sipping a cup of tea with the staff with his notebook on his knee. The correspondent said, "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee of Life, at last I've found you!"

--from rinkworks.com (this and the post above adapted from there--all in public domain.)

as told by Victor Ravenheart of Darkwater East
at bardsguild

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundish Table, a young, recently knighted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail.

He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"

King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"

So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?"

The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the fashionable stainless steel platemail with the expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in evil-looking iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chainmail for 60 livres."

Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 3 livres?"

The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket ... " (or something like that) "... you will find a large pile of broken, discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you for free."

So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step.

Sir Notalot walked back to the court - (clankity-clank, clankity-clank) all the way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "That will do, I suppose, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"

Sir Notalot then went to the stables (clankity-clank, clankity-clank) to see what he could ride. The stablemaster said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres, or this broken down old nag for 60 livres."

Sir Notalot said "What have you got for 3 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow"

The stablemaster thought for a moment and said "Well, I do have this flea-bitten Saint Bernard which has recently been reprocessed since the former owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"

Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along (draggity-clank, draggity-clank).

He reached the King, who said "The others have already headed off to the east."

So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet (clankity-drag, clankity-drag). At that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs (clankity-slosh, clankity-slosh), soaking the Saint Bernard as well. The rain became so heavy that the road started to flood and the clankity-slosh noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise (clankity-sploosh, clankity-sploosh). And then the thunder and lighting started (*BOOM*). Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door (clankity-sploosh, clankity-sploosh) and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "Have you a room?"

And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these roundish-tablers."

In despair, Sir Notalot pleaded "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his bedraggled Saint Bernard he said:

"You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

a largish island was inhabited by many tribes, all of which fought each other perennially. Each time two tribes fought, the victor would be granted the throne of the vanquished.

Eventually, one super-tribe began to win all of the matchups, and all of the thrones became the property of the king of the tribe. Having a rather smallish grass hut and the thrones taking up a lot of space, he built a loft or attic in his hut for storing all of the thrones.

As time went on, the king's tribe won more and more victories, and more and more thrones were placed in the hut's attic.

The attic became so overloaded that one night, as the king was lying in bed, a gentle breeze shook the hut and the attic floor collapsed. The falling thrones crushed the king and killed him.

And the moral of the story is: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

"Our treasury was nearly depleted, so we set up this Fish n Chips stand to improve our economic situation," said the Brother, serving me a serving of Fish n Chips at the Monastery.

"Are you the Fish Friar?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I'm the Chip Monk."

Back in the old days when Native American women were called squaws, several of them in one tribe had traded for animal skins with boats from other countries from far away. One day, three of them were lounging around on their hides (after a long day of work) and they had a disagreement regarding the estimated value of their wealth based on trading in hides.

Finally they called in some other traders to come in around their fire and the group came up with an answer.

It was found that the squaw on the hide of the hippopotamus was equal to some of the squaws on the other two hides.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.