How many film directors does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done, everyone says that his last light bulb was much better.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain."

"Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking."

Why do melons have to get married in church?
Cantaloupe.

(read aloud.)

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station...

What's the difference between ignorance, apathy and ambivalence?

I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.

used to entertain his clients at his cabin in the woods. One weekend, a client from Prague was visiting and the lawyer took him to the cabin.

In the morning, they decided to pick berries for their breakfast cereal and headed to the berry patch about the same time two bears - a large male and a smaller female - decided to do the same thing.

The male bear grabbed the client from Prague with his paws and began to devour him. The lawyer decided to run for help.

When the lawyer reached the highway, he managed to flag down a passing deputy sherrif, who grabbed his rifle and followed the attorney back to the berry patch.

The bears were still filling themselves with berries, but the client was nowhere to be seen. The lawyer pointed to the large male and told the deputy, "That male - that's the one that at my client from Prague."

The deputy drew a bead, pulled the trigger, and dropped the female bear.

"Why'd you do that?" screamed the lawyer. "I told you it was the big male!"

The deputy replied, "I've learned to never believe a lawyer who says the Czech is in the male."

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt.
"I'll have a beer please and one for the road."

shaggy bears and all "...the Czech is in the male..." --nice.

a 14-inch pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of four.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick.

how about:
what is the difference between a joist and a girder?

The first wrote "Ulysses," the other wrote "Faust."

A carrot.

The first batch seems defective

------------------------------------------------
“But hysteria is all the rage these days, I guess” - gqm

and he sees an ad for one cheap in nearby North Dakota.

When he gets to North Dakota to look at the cow, he asks the farmer why he's selling it so cheap. The farmer gets a bucket and stool and begins milking the cow. Every time he pulls a teat, the cow screams ecstatically and shivers. Ole thinks this is just fine at any price and buys the cow.

When he gets the cow back to Minnesota, he calls his neighbor Sven over to see the cow. Ole gets a bucket and stool and begins to milk the cow, and every time he pulls a teat, the cow screams in shivering ecstasy.

Sven is not particularly impressed. "You got that there cow in Nord Dakoder, din you?", Sven asks.

"How'd you know?", asks Ole.

"My wife, she's from Nord Dakoder too."

That's funny about telling the bear joke, Badger.

A relative of mine used to live in Alaska, where the forest rangers will tell you to ward off one type of bear by making noise. He had a class and they gave him some bells to shake and pepper spray for one bear, the black, and told him the other kind of bear, the grizzly, you scare away by pretending to be bigger; they give you a big red wool poncho to put over your backpack and everything so you'll look bigger.
So, then, a few days later, my relative meets a bear tracker and asks, "How do you tell the difference between the two kinds of bears?"
The tracker says, "You can tell by their scat--I guess grizzly bears like jingle bells."

What do you got?

I love the "jingle bells ...".

That's almost the same as what really happened to us. We were camping in Alberta when a bear walked into our camp site and ate all of the dog's food that was out in a small pail. We waited in the car.

While I drove to the ranger station down the road to report it, the bear came back. My wife, having nothing but a tent, went over to a nearby camper til the bear left. The woman there told her moth balls keep bears away and gave my wife some to spread around the tent (why anyone takes moth balls camping is beyond me).

When the ranger showed up with the trap, I asked him about the moth balls, and he didn't think much of the idea, so we picked them up and put them in a baggy. We hung the baggy on the antenna of the car because we didn't want to stink up the tent or the car.

The bear came back later that night - the dog and I slept through it, but my wife heard it walking around. When we got up in the morning, there were partly chewed mothballs spread around and a paw print and dent on the hood of the car where the bear climbed up to get the baggy full of mothballs.

(And the next night, 200 miles away, just before we went into the tent for the night, the dog picked up the dog food pail by the handle and hid it behind a rock).

and three politicians make it to an island. The first person is a Green, and she says, "We saved this island from being destroyed and now we can eat fresh fruit until we're rescued." The second person is a Democrat and he says, "I took a class in solar power and we can use the sun's energy to help us."
And the Republican says, "I voted for warrantless surveillance. The phone company should find us anytime now."

Bears are so powerful.

What a great dog.

"So, anybody in the market for a round pool table?"

[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.

Does it have to be a light bulb?

How many copy editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The last time this question was asked it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one or the other instance be changed? It seems inconsistent.

What's green, has four legs and if it falls on you from a tree, you're dead?

A pool table.

A lawyer just woke up from an operation, and he notices that the room is totally dark.
So he asks the nurse what's going on, and she says, "I pulled the shades because there's a big fire next door and I didn't want you to think the operation had been a failure."

So this judge calls two opposing lawyers on a case into his chambers. "Now the Defense was paid me $10,000 to win the case," he says, and the defense lawyer looks all embarrassed. The judge goes on, "The Prosecution has paid me $15,000. Now, I've thought about it, and I'm returning $5,000 to the Prosecution and we'll decide this case on its merits."

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.

So the Human Cannonball decides to retire after a long distinguished career and he goes to the Ringleader and says he's leaving. "Oh no," cries the Ringmaster. "Where will we find a man of your calibar?"

In a communist plot.

Thought it was going to be a Grant's Tomb joke, but no...

Sven "How long you want 'em?"
Ole "Pretty long time. I'm building a house."

Have you been an organ donor?
No but I once gave an old piano to GoodWill.

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was sixty.
She's 99 today and we don't know where the heck she is.

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had.
He said, "Shingles."
The doctor said, "Where?"
He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

In the next fifteen minutes? Because I'm off to watch the Olympics then (think they are streaming it live on NBC.com as well as TV)--feel free to go crazy with jokes while I'm gone...

are lost in the desert.

The winemaker says, "I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I must have wine." The cranberry farmer says, "I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I must have cranberry juice." The doctor says, "I'm tired, I'm thirsty, I must have diabetes."

The only Olympic joke I can think of (do you know any?):

Lena was competing for Norway in the breaststroke.
She came in last by a very long way.
Getting out of the pool, she says to the judges, "I'm sorry but I think those other girls were using their arms too."

A doctor, lawyer, kid and minister are on a plane. Plane develops mechanical trouble and pilot says everyone has to evacuate. Pilot grabs a parachute and jumps for it. Unfortunately, it turns out there's only three parachutes left.

Doctor says "I'm a doctor, I save lives. I have to live to help others." so he takes a parachute and jumps.

Lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I have to live." So he takes a parachute and jumps.

The minister looks at the kid and says "You take the last parachute. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. I've had a long wonderful life. Go on, son."

Kid says "Thanks for thinkning about me because the smartest man in the world took my backpack."

"homeless."

German

/philologist joke, sorry (and in no way meant to be anything about WWII or anything like that, if you don't get it i'll explain later/

the sound made by a can of cat food opening.

a u-haul.

...and walk right back out. larry says, "dammit, it's cornyn's night to pay, and i didn't see a single box turtle in the whole place."

her 'edwards is a fag' theory is just shot to shit now.

Barack Obama's staff recently announced that he's planning to hold a campaign event at a NASCAR race. The event will be called 'Meet your first black guy.'"

; o

when things and people looked like flowers and trees, the water, and the depiction of writing "the artist is the art" and the visual depiction of chi as light.

Did you like those parts?

sychronized beating of tibetan monks

the smog-o-thon (running around the city w/o a breathing mask)

speed-squishing protesters with tanks

(ha ha, not so funny)