They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

They are all in a rowboat in the middle of the lake. Suddenly, Hillary says "I forgot my favorite lure" and gets out of the boat and walks across the water to shore and back.

A few minutes later McCain says "I forgot my lunch" and he also gets out of the boat, walks across the water and returns with his lunch.

Obama, determined to not let the others show him up, says "I forgot something too" and gets out of the boat but he sinks beneath the water.

Hillary turns to McCain and says "Should we tell him where the rocks are?"

------------------------------------------------
“Payback is a PUMA”

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.

I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true.

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of the tires.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

Thanks.

... with DNC figures in the starring roles. My time is limited, however.

[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.

And was wondering who you saw as the kittens, the jammin' musicians, the Duchess and Thomas O'Maley...and the mouse that went for help...the kicking horse...the evil butler...the old family friend and the lady of the house...the silly geese and their drunken uncle...Napolean "I'M the leader!" and his sidekick. Set in D.C. with the GOPers in roles too.

First two "guess the comics" not the same...

Thanks for guessing, myiq. Please play again.

But no, this is Erma:

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
ouch
...

Come together at The Confluence

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.

In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.

I've got to go out for a while. Take over jokesters!

...but awful quarters of an hour."
--Rossini, Gioacchino

"Wagner's music is better than he sounds."
-- Edgar Wilson Nye

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
--Dororthy Parker
Come together at The Confluence

This is a joke exchange right?

So, I brought Barack Obama here.

What do I get in exchange?

No ticky, no washy.

Come together at The Confluence

At a mental health facility office:

"I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure it's hard to pronounce."

on Comedy Central last week, but they're repeating it a lot--just hysterical--i was crying i was laughing so hard

[ ] Very tepidly voting for Obama [ ] ?????. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.

They excreted excrement all over the DNC and the democratic party and were so fond of the rank odor that they decided to play in their excretions a little and throw it at the primary voters. After the primary voters rejected their excrement, they called in some of their subordinates and began force-feeding it to them so that these other folks (Richardson, Edwards, Dodd) started to enjoy it themselves. The newbies then started to excrement themselves and again started throwing the excrement at primary voters. Al Gore and Jimmy Carter liked what they saw and happily excremented themselves and took a turn throwing it at voters (who kept on rejecting it).

Unsatisfied with the lack of happiness voters had at their excrement, they decided to excrete more foul excrement and put it in balloons that they labeled with "Unity" so that they could tag others with their excrement. When that didn't work, they started bottling their excrement, along with rival John McCain/GOP excrement, and tried to get people to see that their excrement, though still excrement, was less excrementy (by 2%) than McCain's.

Since the people weren't happy with the Dean/Brazile/Pelosi/DNC excrement and didn't like it thrown all over them, they decided to only throw McCain's excrement at people to fend off the odor from their own excrement.

Meanwhile, the voters were stuck with buckets and buckets of vomit. Eventually, the voters, tired of hiding their puke buckets emptied them on D/B/P/DNC in hopes that they would clean up their own excrement. I don't know what D/B/P/DNC did, though.

a campaign headquarters ...

Yeah, you Hope!

Now STFU and get over it!

------------------------------------------------
“Payback is a PUMA”

The media reports: "Obama comes in close second, Clinton finishes next to last"

------------------------------------------------
“Payback is a PUMA”

Nothing. It just barked.

What did one foot say to the other foot?
I thought we were soulmates but you keep ending up a heel.

What did one car say to the other car?
Nothing. It was out of gas.

Who's there?
Bill.
We can't bill you, you don't have health insurance, pay us on the spot.

if he's not elected, Obama's going to become a bank teller?
He will always have a desire for change.

Did you hear that John McCain is a trophy husband?
Yeah, how did they get him up on that little thing?

What cereal does Obama like?
He's Post partisan.

Whoa! I'm going hafta go back and laugh even more I can tell!

Answers: First comic is Garrison Keillor:

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t know how to play funny.

Dorothy Parker:

A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika.

I don’t care what is written about me so long as it isn’t true.

I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound - if I can remember any of the damn things.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant—and let the air out of the tires.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

"who knew this person was funny?"

Napoleon Bonaparte:

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.

In politics, an absurdity is not a handicap.

I raise you this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5aUz9cDaCY

and I also recommend many of the tunes on the side...

What's red and not there?
No tomatoes.

How do you make your soil rich?
Bury all your money.

What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.

What do you say to a wolf in your garden?
Howl do you do?

Shuffleboard.

; >

Why didn't Obama announce his VP pick earlier?
He was Biden his time.