Future News: Lost Tribe Of Hillary Holdouts Discovered
CNN-FOX-ABC-NBC-CBS-AP-UPI-Reuters-New York Times-Washington Post-Murdoch Syndicate Exclusive
by Katharine Q. Seelye and Julie Bosman. June 2, 2020 - BREAKING NEWS -
The first contact in several years with remnants of a holdout band of Hillary Clinton supporters took place yesterday, with a helicopter flyover identifying the handful of survivors. Unwilling to concede that the 2008 Democratic presidential primary had been fairly conducted, the hardy but dwindling tribe became increasingly isolated during the Obama/Hagel administrations, eschewing television and rumored to be surviving only on home-grown vegetables and the occasional squirrel.
Following the merger of the Republican and Democratic Parties and repeal of the 22nd Amendment in 2015 that allowed President and Beloved Leader Obama’s election to a third term by an unprecedented Electoral College vote of 538 – 0, the tribe disappeared and has not been heard from for several years. Until this sighting, the continued existence of the “Hillarians” was doubted and their story had passed into the realm of legend.
As seen in the photograph below, the titular leader of the group – known as “The Lambert” – is still with them. He was readily identified by the traditional body markings of Tuscan Red paint and the presence of his totemic animal companion, the so-called “Last Dog.”
A taped message offering reconciliation and appealing for Unity, Mellowness and Joy-Joy Surrender, made personally by current Vice President (and Presidential heir-apparent) Donna Brazile, was played repeatedly from the helicopter. While it is unclear whether or not these long-isolated near-savages can any longer understand simple political concepts, their raised fists, shouted epithets and bow-and-arrow shooting appear to indicate they are still clinging to their legendary bitter defiance.
Reports that Vice President Brazile “cackled hysterically” upon hearing of the tribe’s response have been denied by Mark Grate, her chief spokesperson. President Obama immediately issued a statement condemning the characterizations as “unacceptably sexist” and declared that “such misogynistic behavior has no place” in American political discourse.
Senior Evening News anchor Tucker Carlson immediately apologized on behalf of the nation, even though he was not the source of the comment. President Obama’s caring regard for women’s rights and steadfast defense of gender equality has, of course, always been a hallmark of his political career.
Chelsea Clinton, Chairperson of the newly-formed American People’s Party (rapidly growing successor to the ineffectual National Feminist Party) and a long-shot candidate for the Presidency, formally declined to comment on either the crude characterization of Vice President Brazile or on President Obama’s statement. However, a source close to Clinton, requesting anonymity, claimed she had privately said “No comment.”
What such cryptic behavior means is unclear at this time, although several prominent media analysts quickly interpreted it as disrespectful and clearly racist. Further discussion is expected to dominate the next several news cycles, while the nation’s savviest journalists and bloggers parse the meaning of her refusal to comment and the conflicting reported private text. Of course, like both of her parents, Chelsea is widely known for savage political ruthlessness as well as bigoted, irrational and divisive behavior.
No further attempts are planned to reach out to the Lost Tribe, as no one brave enough to face them in person can be found. Earlier efforts to establish contact by dropping cell phones was unsuccessful. Each time calls were placed, “The Lambert” was observed to start howling and cursing and beating on the phones.
Whether this is some sort of ritualized tribal response is unknown, but the practice was always repeated in spite of the carefully chosen ringtone - a chipper up-beat sample of 2010’s quadruple-platinum all-time best seller, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy – My Pony Is Coming” remix by pop legends Ashley and the Monotones.
In a fascinating human interest connection, mega-star Ashley recalled in an interview last year that it was inspiration from an on-line interaction with “The Lambert” that led to her incredibly successful career. “He dissed me for liking ringtones,” she recalled, “so I started my ‘Ringtone Appreciation Club’ and then began composing my own Mini-Tunes. When President Obama chose “My Pony Is Coming” as his official ringtone, my career took off.”
“Now I’m world-famous and fabulously wealthy, and I owe it all to Lambert” she added, laughing in her trademark wicked-yet-flirty way.
Related articles: More “lost tribe” information.