So I was babbling recently about race and being “mixed,” and I wanted to share a couple thoughts I had while at the grocery store. You can’t do anything publically in America and not have a ’race moment,’ if you’re non-/not all/less the fully white.
I once had an advisor who was really, really brainy and smart. If you’ve seen Defending Your Life you’ll understand* when I say she was one of those who use “51% of their brains.” She played a big part in getting me into the grad program of my choice, and loved me a lot as a person (and I love her still to this day). Once, when my marriage was breaking apart and she was worried about me flunking out of the program as a result, she took me to see a play.
I was so bored. I’m not really a ’theatre person,’ and the subject matter went waaaay over my head. To this day I’m not sure what it was about. It was a play written by one of those rarified, high brow literary types- the kind of material fewer and fewer people in this country can appreciate, let alone understand, but that people like herself loved. Afterwards, I said as much. Politely, of course, I don’t insult people who are trying to help me.
It was a watershed moment in our relationship. She said to me, “you’re not really that clever after all, are you?” And I wasn’t insulted- in comparison to people like her, I’m a dim witted, slack-jawed clod. Here on the intertubes, I can get away with pretending to be a Real Intellectual, but I don’t kid myself, I’m not, not even close. Not by the Olde Standards, at least. Certainly not by hers (Oxford, Berkeley, Chicago, multiple PhDs, ~12 languages, London Review of Books, etc.)
Anyway, at that time (and of course I kept it to myself) I thought, “you’re really and finally perceiving me for the first time, aren’t you?” It hurt a little, to realize that even this great mind hadn’t really allowed herself to “see me” for what I am, I really am, and not what she wanted, or believed me to be. I think the reason why she overestimated my love for bookish, dialogue-centered plays on the history of po-mo writers was because of my ’race.’ People look at people who look like me, and assume we’re “different.” Different than white, different than black, different in whatever way people need to understand how ’the races mix’ and to what result.
Different from what, and whom? Why, darker skinned black people, that’s who. White people may not realize this about themselves, but they really do cling to the old formulation, “if you’re brown, stick around, if you’re black, stay back.” It translates into a lot more than just those words too- one could say “if you’re brown, you must be [quantity X] that much better/smarter/cleaner than those who are ’blacker.’” This sort of graded racism happens to me (and to every not-all-the-way-white person of any ’color’) every day.
Let me illustrate. When I first came to the grad program, they had a little party where all four** of the “underrepresented minority” students admitted to school that year came together at a meeting. I made friends with several people there, including one tall, severe-looking (but handsome!), very dark skinned man. There were so few of us in the program, it was impossible (or so I assumed) for anyone to forget who we were. That is, we stood out so much in that sea of white faces, only the very lame would fail to remember us, as we moved about the campus grounds. Just as everyone notices the Red Lamborghini while forgetting the sea of other red cars at the auto show, people remember not-white faces on a campus where they number ~3%. At least, you’d think so.
Not true for my dark skinned friend. Where I had been totally accepted by the faculty and students within the first couple of days on campus, my friend had a startling experience which reminded him that he was “in the back” as far as the white folks were concerned. Not long after a meeting of all students, and only a short time after the gathering of minority students I mentioned above, my friend used the facilities in our department building. Despite the fact that he was one of two incoming Black men that year, and despite the fact that it was his fucking job to know the incoming class, the Dean of the School freaked out, seeing my friend come out of the men’s room stall of the department building bathroom. It took him a minute to realize who my friend was and hide his initial reaction, but at first the Dean made clear he was thinking: “Oh shit! I’m being robbed!”
In contrast, no one ever started at me, as I moved around campus. No one ever gave me looks of fear, or automatic distrust. Indeed, (forgive the presumption to assume, but long experience tells me I’m right) most “liberal” whites on campus went out of their way to make nice to me, as a show of how liberal and progressive they were. That’s been true pretty much most of my whole life. White folks who will run away screaming from a large, “dark” black man, will shake my hand, not ask me for ID when I write a check, and even smile when I show up on the first date with their white daughters. It happened again to me at the store today. A dark skinned black man in front of me was given the run-around as he tried to cash a check; that same cashier didn’t bat an eye when I presented mine, nor did he even ask for ID. And he was an African. (For some reason, recent African immigrants populate my local grocery store, I have no idea why.)
It’s a shameful and perhaps not well-kept secret, but Black Americans are hardly any better on this issue. Recently, I was doing some work with the state CBC and those associated with it at the state capitol. I made instant, significant inroads with the men, but the darker skinned women never spared me any looks of hatred, anger, what have you. Women to whom I went out of my way to seem friendly, nonthreatening, accommodating. It’s bothered me all my life, because since before high school, darker sisters have hated me on sight. When I was younger, I was too naive to appreciate why this might be. Several friends of mine (of several races) have explained it to me: there is still a great deal of self-hatred in the Black community, and “marrying up” is still a narrative that is in force. That is, darker skinned people “are supposed” to marry lighter skinned ones if they can. My sister’s husband’s family as much as said so at their wedding; my BIL is a darker brother and several of his relatives expressed pleasure that his children would be lighter than he.
Politically, all this is important because I think a lot of people are perceiving Obama in a similar way to my advisor mentioned up top. That is, many white ’liberal’ people would race for the shotguns should a truly “African looking” black man be doing as well as Obama. These same people open their hearts and minds to Obama, because he’s ’less threatening.’ Combined with the way he speaks, Obama is the acceptable, kinder, gentler “black” candidate. To many, he’s “better” than Jesse Jackson, or Al Sharpton, both of whom sound and look much different than Obama, and both of whom are considerably darker- simply because he is less “black.” I honestly believe this is the only reason why he is “better,” and why people will hear him, where they could not and/or would not hear a “real” black man’s message. Additionally, those same people assume he means…something they want him to mean, where they could never project those assumptions on the truly dark skinned.
But the worst part is that for the mixed, or even just light skinned, is that we become a focal point for the hopes and dreams of confused people who don’t really think too hard about what they believe when it comes to race. For white folks, Obama is anything and everything relating to “change.” However defined. He’s just black enough to be automatically associated with “change,” and not too black to make that same “change” seem too extreme. But I promise you: if his skin were darker, he’d never have been allowed to rise this high. To me, that’s just a plain fact. I don’t mean to imply that Obama “isn’t really Black,” or doesn’t have “Black creds.” But I do hope that his supporters ask themselves, if he looked like this man, would we even be talking about him? Hell no.
Nothing I have said here should be taken to apply to other “mixed raced” people of other “races.” Race is really specified in this country, and the narratives which are applied to each of them are different, conflicting, and often contradictory. For example, I have no idea what it would feel like to be “half Asian.” I do know that it’s still true that “too much” melanin means no shot at real political power. Even though that is not a barrier to me, I mourn that it is for people like some of my cousins, who are just as deserving of consideration as I am.
Just because you want to fuck Beyonce or Lenny Kravitz doesn’t mean you’re not a racist. OK?
*In that movie, humans are judged by a sort of ’post human’ species of beings at the end of their lives. The judges, as well as those who defend the humans, look and seem human. But, unlike “earth humans,” they’ve “moved on” and become superior beings. They use the organ we call the brain to capacities of 40, 50%. In contrast, the humans in the movie stuck on earth rarely average more than 5%. Seriously, rent it if you’ve not seen it, it’s soooo funny and makes you think about (a) Just God(s), if we have to have them.
** Ok, it was more than four of us, but UC rarely has more than 5% black/brown/”underrepresented” minority students in any class, or any department.
….deep irony moment: note how i never told you my advisor’s race, but you and i just know that i was speaking of a “white” woman. Who happened to be a Jew, not that they count as a distinct ’race’ anymore.
Front page
race ya up the stairs
you are right about obama, of course. how he is black enough to represent change, but not dark enough to upset the entire applecart.
however, i feel it is also correct to assume that no man/woman who is darker than he will reach office until someone like him does. there is no denying that the first minority to gain the presidency will have to be “safe” to an extent. thats reality. but it is also a reality that we move in increments.
further, i think it is still completely possible that even as pretty and light as he is, he has a much better chance of being shot for holding that seat than any white man would.
thanks for the story. i think the “mixed” thing is the next big wave of race consciousness our nation will address. which is good. because being “mixed” bunches many more of us together than simply being “mexican” or “black” or “white,” etc.
___________________________
.delusions of un mundo mejor.
nezua: you are right, but still, i must ask:
why not a full-on “mandigo nigger” as prez?
i’m, um, really lame. i don’t know who is hip with the hop these days, nor whom the kidz are stylin to be, to fuck, to emulate. i’m old and lame like that.
still- why not an ebony american?
it’s not that i disagree with you, only that i ask is it a “media” problem, or a “most americans are racist pigs and hate real ’darkies?’” problem?
i’m sure there are some very “dark” pop figures of note out there that most white americans lurv, and would invite into their homes to fuck their daughters. i just don’t know who they are. am i wrong? are we still only at “brown/around, black/back?” you tell me, hermano. i honestly don’t know.
smooches. thanks for stopping by. i miss you.
cd, listen up.
You are entirely too intimidated by your former mentor.
I have known people with officially far more intellectual jets than I, but a big part of their success has been by virtue of being able and wanting to play the Game that is the $ystem.
I know better than the official story. These cats are all powerful people, but not by virtue of being gifted with mystical witch-sight or super powers of intellect. Although they often want others to think that’s the case. They’re bright people, but they are different only in that they live for the Game.
Your mentor was likely as “intrinsically” clueless as you were about what the play, but she heard the dogwhistle messages. Not because of any special perceptiveness on her part, but because she was part of the social structure that blows those messages. And I’ll bet if you’d been willing and motivated to play the game and explore the po mo meaning of it all, you might have manipulated your mentor into letting you inside too.
Because that’s what it takes to get Power in Amerika.
Yup, there are people who don’t like dark brown folks intrinisically.
But the other energy barrier that keeps people of color in their “place” is that other cultures don’t have the social cues to play the white power game, and even less of a desire to accept them when they’re exposed to them.
It’s not a matter of intelligence.
It’s a matter of being willing to prostitute yourself to be let into the club.
No Hell below us
Above us, only sky
mandingo! i remember that flick.
Yeah, CD. people are scared of darkness. its that simple. of course dark artists are allowed. i mean it goes back to the roles the USA is comfy seeing blacks in. dancing is cool, singing is cool. political power? helllno. shuck and jive. thats what we want to see from darkies, remember?
“media problem”? well….the media reflects those with power in the system, eh? its not separate from the system. its an integral part. and the system is made of people. spike lee got into that system, and he brings very radical views into it. i am getting deeper into the system of media, and my views will remain. we are the system. we are not apart from it.
i really do think its a matter of pragmatism. crack that ceiling. then smash it all to hell. its very ideal to want the world to be a certain way. and to fume and rage when it isnt. ive done that a LOT. but at a certain age, i’ve become a bit more practical. the world IS what it is. how do we engage that strategically to change it? holding out for the pure pure wont do it.
and as far as “prostituting yourself to play the game”? as far as i’m concerned, anyone not in outright revolt is chillin at the brothel, dig? we allllll play a game here. its a land built on horror. and we play a game that its okay. when really it still goes on every day. Here and There. our comfort bought by others’ blood. and we blog. how is that not a fucking game?
increments. if its all or nothing….will we have anything? maybe not. is that better? a personal decision.
ps. i almost always read you. i dont always have time to comment.
besos.
_________________________
.delusions of un mundo mejor.
no, kelley. you're wrong. or rather, i know i'm not
all that.
it’s so humbling to be in a private room with someone who schools you, just by breathing. that’s happened to me, a lot. i don’t deny it. i’m not ashamed. indeed, i’m proud to have been invited into those rooms, to those little Elite Groupings. if anything, that’s where my arrogance comes from- i got invited to be there, to listen and to learn, even as only the token sop to white liberal rich people guilt. i tried, at least i hope i did, to make an impact, and i hope i can rub it off on others who didn’t get the same scholarships and invitations. there is publically funded “learning,” and then there is what rich, spoiled kids get. for a while, i got the latter. truly, there is a difference. my CV and experience confirm this, and my admissions experience doubly so. don’t think “we” all get what the truly rich get; they keep the best to themselves. it’s part of what makes being rich so great!
yes, i’m a hypocritical, elitist, arrogant, dominant-culture, intellectual snob. i was “well educated,” (several 000s of $ worth) and i can’t help it. i’m not impressed by those who skate along on state grants and political connections. i am impressed by those who can read, write, analyze, and reinterpret text, data, what have you- and then come up with their own contribution. originial contributions. multidisciplinary contributions. i know that, what that’s like, who makes it, who reads it, who understands it. i know i don’t produce the same.
my actually “progressive friends” mock me for this, rightly, all the time. but here is where i’m truly Conservative
. “reactionary,” if you will.
i believe there is an educational standard we can uphold. for everyone. i believe anyone can live up to it. given the proper opportunity, and encouragement. i dream of the City on the Hill, Shining, and i’m not ashamed to say so.
the sumerians had the same dream, and they were dominated by women. i’m too tired to link to the many examples that help my point. but i do, and will always believe:
a mind is a terrible thing to waste. mine wasn’t. i want what i got for everyone, of all races, of all political orientations, of all incomes, languages, skin colors. if my version isn’t perfect, it’s a damn sure sight better than what we have now.
flame away, this is my biggest flaw.
CD, that is absolutely what I believe
I believe that everybody can write and write well, given, as you say, opportunity, encouragement, and effort.
[x] Any (D) in the general. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.
Good to the last drop
I learned most of what I know (makes gesture of finger and thumb firmly pressed against each other) about the intermingling of sexual and racial issues from “Mandingo”—not that i ever read the book but my mother did; she tried very hard to keep the cover out of view of her daughters but slipped up a couple of times. The big gorgeous shirtless black, well I think the term at the time was “buck”, and the delicate little white lady in crinoline…oh me oh my.
And from “Soul On Ice” which I read some years later, mid highschool age. Eldridge Cleaver had what I thought was a perfectly straightforward explanation of things: the rule was that the white race owned the mind and the black race owned the body. The problem being that the “body” obviously included the naughty bits, and the white folk really, really wanted to own that part too, which was difficult.
The example though which always gave me sardonic amusement was the old Cosby show. No, not “Fat Albert,” the live one. Cosby is obviously a very dark gentleman. Phyllica (sp?) Rashad is somewhat lighter but not a whole lot. Then you look at their kids and suddenly start to doubt everything you thought you knew about genetics, as they range from Theo (actor’s name forgotten) who is pretty dark to the teenage daughter (name likewise forgotten but the one they wrote out of the script for a year or so as she went off rehabbing) who was damn near pale as a sheet.
Very odd.
And of course there’s the classic Adventure of the Yellow Face, not one of the great Holmes stories but of some relevance here:
[snip of explanation of where kid has been the last 3 years that Mom was off getting married in England]
Like I said, not one of the classics, but still. Nice ending, but the unquestioned comments along the way cause flinching: “strikingly
handsome and intelligent-looking, but bearing
unmistakable signs upon his features of his African
descent”…”our
misfortune that our only child took after his people
rather than mine”…oy. We all know what the road to hell is paved with, right? Does Doyle get credit for coming out right in the end or deserve censure for going so casually along with the racial views of his time? (Not that Doyle didn’t have a few tweaks ’n’ quirks of his own, his loathing of Mormonism being one.)
This has been a somewhat rambling discourse, and consists more of quotes from others than opinions from me. Take it as an example of how nervous it makes a normally rather damn-the-torpedoes say-anything old broad to discuss issues of sex and race in “public” and mixed, in more ways than one, company. :)
This is something up with which I will not put.
Enough of the self-flagellation already. Nothing negative about anyone else here at all but I started reading Corrente because of your voice. It’s a wonderful voice. You mustn’t let those who define themselves as “better” convince you that they are, because they are not.
That crack about “you’re not really that clever after all, are you?” was unjustified and cruel. It was also defensive; many bright people can’t take any competition, especially from those they see as a protégé, a subordinate, someone that needs to be kept in their place. Nothing against your mentor, she was only doing what she needed to do, but I’ve seen that sort of thing before; deliberately take someone out of their element and then embarrass them. It leaves wounds that are slow to heal – years, sometimes.
Intelligence can’t be measured in degrees or test scores or financial success or the ability to embrace some bullshit wannabe avant-guard play. I say you are quite clever, brilliant actually, and kelly b agrees with me (!) so there’s an end to that; no need for you to ever think otherwise again. You’re forgiven this time for the self-degradation. Go now, and sin no more; don’t make me spank you, in a not-fun way.
Oh, and a wonderful post. Thank you.
Maybe you had it right to begin with
My little brother once performed in a play which he said had a meaning so obscure that not even the playwright understood it. Leaving aside the fact that creative works can contain multitudes not envisioned by their creators it is also true that clarity is more easily criticized than opacity, especially by one’s competitors. And this goes triple for the academic community, where as Henry Kissinger quoted someone as saying: “The reason faculty politics are so vicious is that the stakes are so small.”
OK Let's talk about the experience of first viewing "art"
So, CD, what am I then? My initial exposures to 8 1/2/Ulysses/Gravity’s Rainbow/Fontana Mix/Eric Dolphy/Jackson Pollack left me not a clue as to what was going on. Hell, I took fucking acid without initial comprehension.
It took second exposures, mulling things over, etc etc —sometimes years for me to fully grasp what they were communicating. So — was I a moron before and a brain now? Or rather, am I just the ineffable, unclassifiable, undefinable “me” that’s alive and ever panning for gold in art’s darkest basements?
Fuck
anyone who feels comfortable/arrogant enough to think “you’re not really that clever after all, are you?” is an appropriate remark after exposing his/her “friend” to an onslaught of unprecedentedly new experience, artistic or otherwise. What it actually does show is which other party of the two is the one “not clever after all.”
Your brain speaks wonderfully for yourself through your writing.
Do I need to point out that there is plenty left in this world I and you and your mental-case mentor and anyone else you care to mention will never ever fully understand? No matter how much I now completely love and appreciate the art of I still will never be as “clever” in, say, for example, baseball, as Dusty Baker/Frank Torre/Tony LaRussa are. You know what I mean, don’t you?
oops, please insert, between "of" and "I" in my last comment...
…the following:
(the art of) the above human beings, (I still…)
Sorry, its just I’m sooooooo sleepy … must keep awake …. must…mmmm
just register
If you register an account you can just click [Edit] and fix those things.
"Clever..."
I can’t believe that didn’t hurt, CD. It would have hurt me.
[x] Any (D) in the general. [ ] Any mullah-sucking billionaire-teabagging torture-loving pus-encrusted spawn of Cthulhu, bless his (R) heart.
it is not unheard of
… for you and I to agree on an issue, BIO.
cd, exactly how would you react if it was a blond haired, blue eyed male (like me, for example) you trusted who said those very same words to you?
You would react the way water does when metallic sodium is tossed into it.
And rightfully so.
This is one thing I hate about the University, and you know which University of which I speak- the home of the Gerald Ford School of Public Policy. So overtly progressive, so superficially liberal, but basically ruled by Oborg. Conservative
elitism is still conservative elitism if it gives lip service to the words of Gnome Chomsky but feeds its ego like Babs Bu$h.
No Hell below us
Above us, only sky
you're a blonde?
but you seem so much smarter!
me too, heh. although i suppose you’re the real kind.
;-)
The University, anywhere these days, is as superficially liberal and ultimately regressive and conservative as our SCLM
, and the think tanks they both spend time filling with overpaid, undertalented, “public intellectuals.” it makes me sad, but because money is increasingly at stake, i expect nothing less.
a “public” system of education must be funded without respect to specific ideological concerns. i could tolerate a lot of the waste and fat if i knew we spent on education what we spent on defense; at least overspending produces some solid research. but i think the best people are eventually driven out of the academe because like politicians, to be successful they must first be excellent fundraisers. perhaps you would like to venture what kind of person does well at that. i will only say that in my experience, it’s rarely a top flight thinker/researcher/visionary.
I tell my really smart friends
that if it were a plus (in the evolutionary sense) to be really smart, we’d all be smarter. As we aren’t, it isn’t, so they should get over their smartass selves.
And it isn’t a good thing to be really, really smart. Depression, anxiety, emotional disorders of every kind - all attend upon the really smart in greater numbers than on the supposed less fortunate.
No, it doesn’t pay to be really bright. Just bright enough to impress the girls. Anything more than is asking for a beating, which life is only too happy to provide.
Jake