Yes, another Latin blogger, two in a row even! Anyway, this is a subtle take on an issue that has always annoyed and plague me personally:
via sugar butch via creative xicanaChivalry is deeply feminist to me. When in femmes, I expect femininity to be deliberate, done with the whole knowledge of the compulsory heteronormative restrictions which dictate that women must be and do certain things, particular that we must wear high heels, delicate cloth, restrictive clothing. Femininity is not made for comfort or movement, it is made to accentuate the sexualization of a woman’s body - and that’s why things like holding her doors open (so she doesn’t dirty her white gloves or expensive manicure), pulling her chair out (so she doesn’t have to awkwardly move a bulky piece of furniture, and risk getting it caught on her skirt or stockings and ripping something) or holding her coat (so she doesn’t have to reach around and risk ripping the tight seams in her shoulders or upper back) are necessary to me, as an acknowledgement of how restrictive femininity can be, and of how difficult it is to walk around the world in these clothes, as a celebration of the beauty of femininity on the body, and with deep respect for the courage to costume and perform femme to begin with.
I’m a total slob at home, I lounge around in utterly unsexy clothes unless I’m about to have that kind of sex and need the lingerie on first. At work I have a little bit of flare, but generally I’m pretty oblivious to fashion and trend. But when I step out in High Society, I turn it on. It’s just what you do. I’m totally cognisant of “the whole knowledge of the compulsory heteronormative restrictions” and yes, that’s the whole point. Women can be cruel to themselves, but sometimes when they do it’s a conscious choice for a purpose that outweighs the negative impact of conforming to those restrictions.
It’s better now, much, than it was in the old days. One can be a loud, lipsticky Femme, and not be turned out of the lounge by angry stares and snubbing bartenders. And the younger set has taken their liberty and run with it, I can’t even claim to keep up anymore, the Grrlz are so alright. And all I can be is glad for that. Little steps, that’s how real progress works. Myself, I enjoy being an uberfemme some nights, six foot tall with blazingly loud blonde hair, in hot pink, with spiked silver heels. It makes the butchy things that come out of my mouth sound so much more shocking to strangers.
Front page
Door Holding
you know I never thought to wear white gloves. Always wondered how that opening the door thing worked.
Chivalry and Femininity, Butch and Femme
This is a fun read, interesting to see gender relationship roles described from alternative viewpoints. I do wonder, sometimes, if too much is made of small gestures, if the meanings are extended to cover too much psychological ground.
Having lived through the rise of militant feminism with testicles still intact, I have held on to what I consider the minimum normalcy of male-female public behavior and had to defend it oh so many times. So often the take is that I am displaying dominance behavior, emphasizing as the writer does here the restricted role of female/femme, a downward focused diminishment of capacity, a ritualized demeaning and enslavement. That is, for me, a misinterpretation and in fact a complete reversal of intent.
I open doors, hold chairs, help on with coats, carry bags, stand when a lady enters a room and when she leaves or returns at table, and never presume to extend my hand first in greeting. None of that is to in any way imply that she cannot do simple things for herself – that would be ridiculous, and I am not a fool. It is not, in fact, about her at all. It is, rather, all about me.
Displaying small acts of chivalry is part of the social dance, the non-verbal way we display our character and our intentions. It is no different from the open-handed greeting of a handshake or the small nod made to a pedestrian at the curb to show you are aware of them and promise not run them down as soon as they enter the crosswalk.
By making small acts of chivalry part of my immediate and constant relationship with every member of the opposite sex, I announce to everyone that I intend to behave as a gentleman. I will not force myself on her, I will not be coarse or crude, I will respect her wishes and defer to her wants, and I will protect her against unwanted advances or improper behavior of others should the need arise. Certainly, she may not require any of that; but if she does, I am there and she as well as everyone around is put on notice.
It is about defining my self, and I behave the same towards any female regardless of age or status. I would hold your chair whether you are barefoot in sweats or wearing six-inch heels and a wasp-waisted corset. I would hold the door whether you are 21 or 101, regardless of race or religion or gender preference, because it isn’t about you – it is about me.
We are, in my opinion, seriously lacking today in these small displays of non-verbal civilized behavior. A whole generation of young men has grown up without having been taught how to give a proper handshake – firm and full-handed to other men, gently and fingers only to women and the elderly – as well as how to treat every woman as a lady. A whole generation of women has grown up without simple social skills that define themselves as ladylike – and being a lady is not about being weak or subservient, it is about command and control; how to regulate social settings solely by voice and gesture, the propriety of royalty not of serfdom. There is, in my view, no redeeming social or personal value in public crudeness. “Yo wut up dog?” may be fine for informal settings (although not with me, I am no one’s dog) but it has no place in the public sphere.
The great foolishness of militant feminism was refusing the rituals of chivalry because they were falsely associated with male dominance. They are the exact opposite; they are a public display of subservience by the male/butch, an acknowledgement and acceptance of the greater power of femininity. The world would be a better place with their return.