(Jivester News, Lmtd.) Rush Limbaugh joyfully informed his listeners today that he is less than three months away from celebrating fifty-six consecutive years free from Parkinson's Disease. "It's a record I'm proud of," Rush told his legion of listeners. "My dopamine receptors are firing just fine--well, mostly. Even though Idiopathic Parkinson's usually begins in middle age I can't help but feel I could have begun manifesting symptoms at a much younger age. If I had it. But I don't. It's a good thing."

Rush went on to assure his listeners that he did not have ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease, which often appears as a result of Diabetes Mellitus) or "...Huntington's Disease, Corticobasal degeneration (CBD), Progressive supranuclear palsy (PSP) or any of the so-called dementia disorders associated with Lewy Body Diseases. Nope, I'm feeling fine."

Just before signing off Rush reminded his listeners that his life has not been a cakewalk, and that he suffered from an embarrassing ass cyst that kept him from military service in the late 60s and early 70s. "But hey, if you can go through life with just an ass cyst and some back pain as the crosses you must bear, that's okay by me. It's not like I had some pussy disease like Parkinson's, for Christ's sake. 'Oooh, look at me, all jingly-jangly! I'm a crazy puppet'..."

It was then, as Rush pretended he was suffering from spasmodic tics and seizure-like body jerks, that a man who claimed he was The God of That'll Do Pig broke into the studio and crushed Limbaugh with his giant hands, startling the sound engineer and two show producers. Rush's screams, which became more muffled as the enormous hands pressed harder and harder against each other, gradually diminished in volume until finally going completely silent. Rush Limbaugh was no more. But there was a stain. There was definitely a stain.

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Author's Confession: Writing that Rush Limbaugh was squeezed to death by a pair of giant hands was kind of fun. If you don't believe me, just type "Rush Limbaugh was crushed into oblivion by a pair of giant hands" a few times. See what I mean? It's very relaxing. FYI: You can also lower your blood pressure by imagining a powerful vacuum cleaner sucking all of Limbaugh's fat out through his nose. Just a thought. +++