Pope Benedict XVI , the ancient relic poseur who is the chief apologist for the ancient medieval relic that is the Catholic Church is on a whirlwind tour of the Americas, which began here in Brazil with a canonization of an 18th century snake-oil salesman and a rousing call to action by the faithful on the most important issues of our time.

What, you might ask, are the most critical issues facing mankind today? War and Terrorism? No. Genocide? No. Destruction of the Environment and Global Warming? Nuclear Proliferation? Poverty? Disease? Hunger? Starvation? Overpopulation? Murderous military dictatorships? Corrupt regimes? Puppet governments? No. No. No. No. No and Double No. Not even close. This Pope knows better:

During the Mass, the 80-year-old pontiff encouraged his listeners to follow the example of the new saint by helping the needy, in what he described as a world "so full of hedonism". He also criticized those who ridiculed the sanctity of marriage and virginity before marriage.

Here are-- in this Pope’s view and the view of the rest of the horny old patriarchal reprobates in the Vatican— the greatest evils facing humanity today:

1. Sex before marriage.
2. Divorce.
3. Birth control and especially the morning after pill (Have fun, pay the next day.)
4. Drug Use (wine and Anisette excepted)

Then, of course, there is the really big thing: the female uterus, and what’s in it or not in it which, according to the Pope, should forever and always remain a concern of the state and the criminal justice system. By the way:

The World Health Organization estimates that illegal abortions numbered more than a million in Brazil last year alone.

Coathangers forever. Yes!!

Now about that canonization:

Friar Galvão was a faith healer. He fed the gullible faithful magical cure pills, which were actually little rolled up balls of paper and ink. He was credited by the church with over 5000 miraculous cures in his day, but the church only had the cajones to claim two modern day miracles as a direct result of ingestion of the magic spitballs:

After canonising Friar Galvao, the Pope also hugged Sandra Grossi de Almeida and her seven-year-old son, Enzo. She is one of two Brazilian females who the Church says are evidence of divinely inspired miracles that justify Friar Galvão's sainthood.
Friar Galvão is remembered for producing Latin prayers written on tiny balls of paper that, when swallowed, had the apparent effect of curing a range of ailments. After taking one of these pills, Ms Almeida, who had a uterine malformation that should have made it impossible for her to carry a child for more than four months, gave birth to Enzo.
Friar Galvao is also certified by the Church as healing a four-year-old girl said to have been considered incurable by doctors.

Wait a minute. Certified by whom, exactly?

Friar Galvao is also certified by the Church as healing a four-year-old girl said to have been considered incurable by doctors.

Oh yes I see. All scientific and shit. Hmmmm.