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Sex Talk: Men are Easy

chicago dyke's picture

So, recently I offended a bunch of nice people because I basically said: "men are easier to please than women, sexually speaking." I didn't mean this to be about men being more stupid, less exciting or interesting, or any other negative connotation about men and sex. But gosh! Is that so controversial to say? Men need... well, imho it's pretty simple. Sure, men want and need love and relationships and complexity and all that. But men also want simple things, and if one is good at those, one can make any man come. I've always been fascinated by the American male (and perhaps this is international, I don't know) obsession with pr0n. As Twisty once said, "why do I hate porn? because I think there are better alternatives." She got slammed for that post, but I basically agreed, as a woman, even as I had no expectations that men or many women would agree with her. Men in this country defend the porn industry because they claim they "need" it. Well, that sort of proves my point. Pictures of naked women you don't know and who don't love you are enough to get you off? OK. Not judging. But most women need a great deal more than that. Sure, there are many differences between men, women, and I know I'm generalizing and over-simplifying. But I do have a great deal of experience when it comes to sex, like, a professional level of experience (although I have never professionally worked in the sex industry other than naked dancing), and I'm sorry to say: there are three or four tricks that always work with a man, if the goal is to bring him to orgasm. What do you think? Physiology is also key; women are just more complex, in this sense. That's medical and scientific fact. It doesn't make us "better" or "sexier," but it does make us different. Thank you for letting me do this logic check with y'all. I was sort of wigged out by how angry I made these folks for saying these things.

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Jessica Yogini's picture
Submitted by Jessica Yogini on

"there are three or four tricks that always work with a man, if the goal is to bring him to orgasm. "
Those being?

nycweboy's picture
Submitted by nycweboy on

As a man who likes men, I have a lot of concerns with this post. I think there are a slew of unsupported generalizations here, an attempt to broad-brush sweeping assertions about all men which simply don't hold. Do men and women approach sex and the idea of sex differently? I suppose. But I don't think that necessarily that makes one more right, or better, than the other.

That men may be more stimulated by visuals and thus more interested in pornographic or erotic images has been a subject of considerable discussion and debate and research. However, true, that doesn't change the fact that many men crave the same sort of intimate, human connection of sex with another, actual, person.

I love men. I love their beauty, their complexity, their humanity. I could, very easily, write a post about "women? What's up with that?" because, really, that's not where my sexual interests lie. As much as I think we need more open, honest, and grown up, discussions of sex and sexuality in this country, where we start that discussion matters. I'd feel better if the discussion started with a more supportive, loving view of men as sexual beings.

vastleft's picture
Submitted by vastleft on

emotional make-up, and if I were to write a Cosmo how-to-satisfy-your man article, I'd put "make him feel loved and valued" right at the top. [Granted, there's the type of man who's turned off by lovey-dovey stuff, but I think they are not so typical as many would believe].

But I also think that, at a technical level, men (of which I am one) are more likely than women to be sexually satisfiable via simple recipes.

Cujo359's picture
Submitted by Cujo359 on

Perhaps my icon is a giveaway here, but yes, I think that most men are pretty simple on this score. If you want an illustration, just look at the difference between porn aimed at men and the porn aimed at women. The latter, disturbingly, often has something that might be called a plot. At the very least, the actors seem to better understand their motivation.

It might not make us easy to deal with, but we're not all that complicated.

scarshapedstar's picture
Submitted by scarshapedstar on

If you women were really all so mysterious and unique and complicated, you'd have nothing but socks in your sock drawers.

If you catch my drift.

Aeryl's picture
Submitted by Aeryl on

NO HOLDS BARRED GRAPHIC SEXUAL DESCRIPTIONS AHEAD

I too love men, in all their shapes, sizes and varieties.

First of all, yea, most men ejaculate pretty easily. Enough friction, and boom, jobs done.

Women, alas, are not so simple. I have a friend who ONLY gets off when receiving cunnilingus. Penetration, no matter what the size, does absolutely nothing, only clitoral stimulation. And I know she's not alone.

Yet,

I've known women, I'm one of them, who can orgasm from oral penetration. Most guys would think that's great, I'm sure, a girl who gets off on cocksucking!

But then, you have guys, who can't ejaculate by fellatio. Going off of generalizations, that should be the easiest way right, cuz that's what all guys want. But, that is not the case. They enjoy it, and it's possible to reach orgasm, but you have to decide if you want to put the necessary time and effort to make it a reality.

I've never known a man to fail orgasming from manual stimulation, though at times my partner CANNOT reach ejaculation no matter how much stimulus he receives.

Then, there's that alleged myth, the male multiple orgasm. Well, hate to break it to you guys who've moped about it for years, but it does exist, men just have to get over the idea that ejaculation=orgasm. I know every man out there has experienced that terrible incident where they ejaculated unexpectedly, and didn't even feel it. That wasn't an orgasm though. Women, don't always ejaculate when they orgasm, and don't always orgasm when the ejaculate. The same, biologically, holds true for men. It does take a dedicated partner in the matter, who takes the time to learn what arouses them.

My partner will orgasm during a blowjob, but won't ejaculate. I'll ejaculate during penetration, but won't orgasm. The responses of our bodies are many and varied, and to speak to one truth for them all is impossible.

Now, as far as pornography, I'd rather read it than watch it, but if I do watch it, it's gotta have a plot, regardless of how stupid(really a guy fucked your lesbian lover into an orgasmic coma, and you have to fuck him, then do a threesome, to awaken her? REALLY!?) while The Sailor can just watch a video of different scenes of people fucking. But I don't know if that's inherent, or if that's cultural.

Generalizations hold that its the man in the relationship who always wants sex, and the woman is who always harried by repeated requests. Not so in my home, never has never will. I'm ready at the drop of a hat, but the Sailor has a mandatory waiting period, like buying a gun. I like a change-up, daytime perhaps, or on waking. Not so with my partner, midnight, any sooner and it turns into a pumpkin.

Generalizations hold that men love dirty talk, and women are turned off by it. Once again, not in my house. I beg my partner to say dirty things, and he can't even bring himself to mutter something so mundane as "suck my dick". Then, because of that, he'd be deemed a prude, and I promise you he is FAR from that.

In my experience, the trick to being a good lover, man or woman, is to take the time to determine what it is that REALLY arouses your partner, not treat your partner as a monolith, "All _______ like this." I've been with guys who like anal play, and guys that don't. I've been with women who like harsh penetrating tongue strokes, and some who like it gentle and titillating. Some who like pinching and scratching and biting and hair pulling, and some who don't.

It's a varied as the combinations of hair color, eye color and skin tone among us, because I do believe it's biological to an extent, what arouses us, though it can be influenced by culture.

scarshapedstar's picture
Submitted by scarshapedstar on

I'm glad that other people feel this way. I've broached the topic of male multiple/continuous orgasms in the sexytime threads at Pandagon and the general response was that I was delusional, jealous, trampling the Feminine Mystique, depreciating God's Bribe for Childbirth, etc. I think the world would be a much better place if all the men who could be having orgasms, but aren't, did. (although Mark Ames said it first.)

Orgasm and ejaculation are semantically linked but physically distinct, at least for me. One makes me go tingly all over for like five minutes, the other is more of a relief and then I'm sleepy.

To the extent that male and female responses differ, I put it this way. The vulva is like an automatic transmission; it takes longer to reach 120 mph but you'll get there eventually. The penis is like a manual; it can be fast(er?) if you drive it right, but if you just mash down the pedal you will redline in first gear and then you have to wait for a new engine.

Aeryl's picture
Submitted by Aeryl on

Like I stated above, enough friction, and you get get an ejaculation. But did he enjoy it? I'd say no.

chicago dyke's picture
Submitted by chicago dyke on

you all made your points so much better than they did over at FA. i'm happy to be wrong about any and all the points i made. i just needed to check in and understand why it is so hard to express certain things, or rather, why what i expressed made some folks so fucking mad.

scarshapedstar's picture
Submitted by scarshapedstar on

Reading the thread in question,

women are taught, in patriarchal societies, that having orgasm, or expecting to have one, or even enjoying or thinking about sex positively, is wrong… for them. men are taught that orgasm is their birthright

I disagree. Well, sort of. In the sense that it's pretty standard fare nowadays for the cover of every women's magazine to have a callout for "HOW TO HAVE TEN BILLION MIND-BLOWING ORGASMS TONIGHT!"

Not so much on the cover of GQ, eh?

Now, you could certainly make the argument that the male orgasm is so very common that to give it the same treatment would be like having "WATER: BOATS FLOAT ON IT!" on the cover of Sailing. But I don't think that's true. It's considered quite healthy (outside the Bible Belt) for women to want to experience intense physical pleasure. With men, well, the prevailing point of view is that we can't (not true!) and anyone who disagrees is some kind of sissy or something. Men are supposed to like the thrill of the chase, and if you're really lucky, getting to come in her mouth. That's about as deep as it gets, not biologically, but culturally.

When you invoke the one-pump chump, however, I think it's important to keep in mind that it is in fact very difficult for a man to reach orgasm in a minute. In fact, a man who ejaculates in under a minute probably hasn't had an orgasm in years.

Female is the biological default and my perception is that the extra 'functionality' of the testosterone-laden male anatomy tends to supercede and prevent a deep orgasm, rather than make it instantly accessible. (I submit as evidence the fact that pre-pubescent boys can masturbate all night long, but I'm not gonna explain how I know this.) This point of view is fundamental to the Taoist philosophy of sex, and it is 100% absent from Western culture.

But everyone's different and maybe that's just my particular hangup. I dunno. I submit to you that if you went without orgasm for a few decades, you would be every bit as bitter as those inexplicably angry white males. Or Malaysian muslims.

scarshapedstar's picture
Submitted by scarshapedstar on

Sounds like you know more than most men. You coming out of retirement? Midlife crisis? :D

propertius's picture
Submitted by propertius on

CD, don't turn out to be a middle-aged straight guy. ;-)