I've been having some trouble with my eyes lately. Sometimes, if I close them, I can't see anything. And that almost happened tonight, but I didn't close them all the way: I closed them just enough to make the Democratic candidates for President look like one really big candidate with different voices. Kind of like an obese Robin Williams.

I was watching the debate with Chauncy, who continues to heal from his surgery. He pretended he wasn't interested in the live CNN telecast, but he did get mad whenever Wolf Blitzer was speaking. "If he's a wolf then I'm a can of sardines," said Chauncy. I replied, "You are not a can of sardines." Chauncy nodded.

So the debate went something like this for me:

I'm Wolf Blitzer and you're not. Hey, raise your hand if you have a one word answer to a question that consists of a number of words that, when put together in a certain order, inflame passions and spell disaster in a tiny font. Stop talking. Now, stop.

Okay, if somebody tries to kill us should we dismantle Social Security? Anybody?

Hillary, the 43 presidents who have served in the United States so far were all men. Why play the gender card? Haven't we had enough partisan sexuality in the Ovum...sorry, Oval Office? Women! It's always the same!

Alright, Dennis Kucinich, you have twelve seconds. Now you have eleven seconds. You're down to about eight, seven...what? No, four, three, two...you're out of time! Time ran out! Gone!

Hey, Joe Biden? Uncle Joe! Always good for a laugh! Thanks for coming by, Uncle Joe!

So, let's see...FISA...Patriot Act...climate change...healthcare...nuclear waste (oh, to live on Yucca Mountain, with the spent rods leaching into the ground)...forced childbirth--eh, scratch that--I meant abortion...some menu, huh kids?

Okay, who wants Iran to destroy us all? Raise your eyebrows...Hillary, I think your eyebrow went up.

Obama...you're a man. Can you beat Hillary and make her like it?

John Edwards! Heeerrre's Johnny! Don't bring up the gulf between our wealthiest Americans and the rest: you want a class riot? Uh-oh, crazy, mad Johnny! 47 million Americans without healthcare...look, it's angry Johnny! Yeeaargghhhh!

Chris Dodd: I love the whatever. My hand to God. From my beard to your rag mop. I so totally get you. From your mouth to God's ears. Then into my ears. Then down my legs and into my shoes. From God's ears to my shoes. Answer the question! Yes or no? Out of time! Yes or no? Yes, you are out of time!

Hey, wouldn't it be fun to do a Democratic debate Hollywood Squares style? I ask a question, America gets a circle or an X...I miss Paul Lynde. He was a funny, funny man.

Well, that's all the time we have. Sad, really. It seems we just get started and before you know it...

Did I get it? Was that about right? Or did I miss something? What's that? A can of sardines for me? Why, Chauncy, you shouldn't have!

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