The RNC has announced a $10 Million cash shortfall in funding for it’s upcoming national convention. To help close the gap the Telecommunicating Association Companies of the United States (TACUS) has announced an effort to assist. “For the last 10 days of August we’ll be donating a portion of our profits to help with RNC’s expenses,” said TACUS spokeswoman Fisah Wyretapper. “To show how grateful we are the republicans came to our rescue we’re coming to theirs.” Asked if TACUS would also be assisting the Democrats Wyretapper said, “No, but we’ll be buying box lunches for some blue dogs.”  Read more 

THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY is now training firefighters to inspect your home and your behavior when you are visited by them, even for emergency purposes! According to FOX “News,” aside from blueprints, chemicals, flight manuals, and bomb-making books, one of the things they are going to be on the lookout for is “hostility to Americans.”

So! Word to the wise. Make sure you are only nasty to fireman without green cards. Maybe you can suss this out with some small talk at the hydrant. But even if not, if one day your kitchen explodes and your roof is on fire and you happen to be talking, yelling, or otherwise communicating with the brave men who are lugging their hoses into your driveway, it’s probably best to sprinkle a few pleasant words about the country and the government in there while you’re at it. You know, like right after you scream “my cousin is trapped in the attic!” just drop in a “God bless America!’ or something. Just slide it right in there. “HELP! We want to keep on living in the USA! Help us!” Something casual. Something that clears you right away. Because the last thing your cousin needs is for the firemen to get caught up rooting through your junk drawer on their way upstairs.  Read more