In Numbers 16, YHWH kills nearly 15,000 Israelites — the equivalent of about 15 Jonestowns, or 400 Heaven's Gates.

Unlike with those crazy cults, he had an iron-clad reason to snuff out his people: they had murmured their displeasure about being dragged into a wilderness and condemned to rot there, and not receiving the promised birthright of a land of milk and honey... and also about seeing 250 of their princes summarily buried or burned alive.

Can you believe how sick some people can be? Complaining about that! Thank God, literally, for the moral values and system of justice to make things right.

Which of our candidates will propose that grumblers are dealt with in that uplifting and noble manner?

Numbers 15:

32 And while the children of Israel were in the wilderness, they found a man that gathered sticks upon the sabbath day.

33 And they that found him gathering sticks brought him unto Moses and Aaron, and unto all the congregation.

34 And they put him in ward, because it was not declared what should be done to him.

35 And the LORD said unto Moses, The man shall be surely put to death: all the congregation shall stone him with stones without the camp.

36 And all the congregation brought him without the camp, and stoned him with stones, and he died; as the LORD commanded Moses.

New York Times, 2004:

It is impossible to know for sure if Mr. Bush, who spent Saturday and Sunday clearing brush at his Texas ranch....

In Bible chapter Numbers 11, a little over a year into the Israelites' 40-year stint in the wilderness, they're starting to miss the comfort foods of home.

The Lord (who, throughout Exodus and Leviticus, has made them ritually sacrifice countless animals) responds with characteristic Goodness and Mercy:

...his anger was kindled; and the fire of the LORD burnt among them, and consumed them that were in the uttermost parts of the camp.

Yahweh vows to teach the survivors a lesson by giving them meat "until it come out at your nostrils."

And, thus, He conjures up a mountain of seabird for the people to gorge on. But then He decides, fuck it.

And while the flesh was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the LORD was kindled against the people, and the LORD smote the people with a very great plague.

And he called the name of that place Kibrothhattaavah: because there they buried the people that lusted.

So, I ask which of the remaining candidates will pledge to usher in a new era of uncomplaining Unity via this time-honored method?

Obama's "Ich bin ein Christian" brochure emphasizes (in the "Called to Bring Change" section) the Biblical tale of Exodus, suggesting that he was called to lead Americans like Moses was called to lead the Chosen People.

Have you fucking read Exodus?

Outside of a handful (a lot fewer than ten) of common-sense commandments, it's a tale of endless gratuitous cruelty and arbitrariness at the hands of a jealous God.

In fact, it's practically a recipe book for the Bush administration: mindlessly kicking the shit out of Arabs -- even the children — and mucking about in the wilderness while building a huge, rickety temple to the power elite.

And, true to form for the Religious Right, whom the pamphlet was plainly meant to impress, it's the gold standard of animal-cruelty pr0n.

The biblical chapter Numbers 5 describes how a husband should find out if his wife is cheating on him.

He takes her to a priest, along with a helping of barley, and the priest mixes dust from the tabernacle floor into some holy water.

If she's guilty, the dirty water will make her thigh rot and her belly swell.

Which of the candidates will endorse a plan to add this kind of quick, inexpensive, reliable, and extremely moral jurisprudence to the Constitution?

Among the Bible's greatest heroes is Noah, who saved mankind and every species of flora and fauna from a flood caused by... well, that's not important now.

One night, after Noah ties one on, his son Ham (not a word with positive associations among the Israelites) takes advantage of the sleeping arkman.

The punishment he metes out is a model of Biblical justice: Ham's son, Canaan, who had nothing to do with the incident, is to become a slave's slave for Noah's other sons.

Given that America has gone to Hell in a handbasket for want of adherence to Judeo-Christian values, how many of the 2008 candidates will stand up for making punishment of a perp's children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren part of the criminal code?

Leviticus 27 places the value of a woman at more-or-less (depending on age) three-fifths of the value of a man.

Which candidates will promise to support an Unequal Pay Act that reflects this revealed truth?

Also, the chapter informs us that people who are earmarked to be destroyed on the Lord's behalf cannot under any circumstances be spared. They "shall surely be put to death." Are we so derelict in our faith that we can't put the weight of federal law behind this holy and uplifting commitment?

Leviticus 26 says that the proper punishment for nonbelievers includes giving them malaria and making them eat their children.

Which of the presidential contenders will promise to sign that into federal law?

If they won't, ask them why they reject God's Word, and be sure to vote instead for someone like Mike Huckabee or Barack Obama who won't let YHWH and Jesus down.

Leviticus 25 says:

44 Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, shall be of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids.

45 Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that are with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession.

Could someone please ask the candidates the following?

Do they agree with the Holy Bible that we should buy slaves from neighboring countries, and whether we should have the right to buy visitors' children who are conceived in America?