My Set will never, ever let me live this one down. Ohmygawd, I’m covering my face with both hands because I can’t bear to witness all my accumulated Kewl running, screaming, away from me. deep moment of self-reflection OK, clearly I’ve misjudged my duties here. Guys, gals even, the bottom line in the Game of Love: everyone wants to be with a winner.

Does that sound cruel, harsh, wrong, and/or shallow? I suppose it is. But it’s still true. Put another way: how many people imagine their ideal love as someone who is in every way, lesser than themselves? My money is on “not many.” You want it? Then you’ve got to be it.

It’s really not that hard, because deep down, everyone, and I do mean everyone, struggles with feeling that in some way, they are at the bottom of the heap…last off the bus…looser nonpareil. It’s funny sometimes, when you get to real intimacy with a beautiful or rich or important person, and they reveal to you that they truly grapple with some foolishly perceived flaw; a turned-out toe, a bad test score in the fifth grade, the inability to dance to pop music. The trick is turning your perceived weakness into a strength, showing the world a brave face and not being afraid to be truthful and self-depreciating in a humorous way. There are really sexy “fat” people, really desirable poor people, really funky “ignorant” people, and people for whom gender construct is no limit to achieving ultimate orgasm. You probably know someone like this, and if you’re lonely, you should study them. (in the non-stalking way, that is)

I gotta say, “Sam” makes me really sad. He doesn’t seem that bad, just a tad on the clueless side. Esquire always was a bit full of itself; that dood at the bottom is much scarier than our guy. Still, I want to offer him and any reader who unwillingly sleeps alone most nights, a few hints and tips. I’m thinking of making it a series. You don’t have to comment, just contemplate, and eventually, get out there and try some of my suggestions. I used to be a loser too; I thought no one would ever like or desire me. But in my mind, letting go of Loserdom is almost as powerful as winning for the first time. You don’t look back. And there is always love/sex/cuddling in your future.

Player’s Trait #1: Confidence. Even if you don’t really have any, “fake it until you make it.” Seriously. Specifically when it comes to women; women can smell ’weakness’ in a man/dyke a mile away. If confidence sounds impossible for you to imagine yourself having, just use one of those silly Carnegie tricks until it comes more naturally (ie imagine the person you’re speaking to is wearing a silly hat, clown nose, etc). Or, you can try focusing your mind upon those things that you do well as you present yourself to others- as you speak, think of the times you’ve done something very right. Anyway, practice in a mirror sounds adolescent, but isn’t a wholly bad idea.

Winning Strategy 2.0: Get a Life! Have a hobby, an interest, something that other people do and enjoy, people who aren’t exactly like you. I admit I spend way too much time FunBlogging, but I try really hard not to be too lazy, and let sitting in front of the computer take the place of doing something constructive with that ’free’ time instead. Balance, diversity, the remedy for despair is action, etc.

It’s all well and good to be with your mates, and talk passionately about your particular obsession. But if you haven’t found your true love in those circles by now, it’s likely you’re not going to. Probably because everyone with whom you agree is just like you, and in romantic terms, looking for something else. It’s the difference that makes life interesting, and you’ve got to show some, have some, be some. Go do something Completely Different with people unlike yourself, and bring them into the Light of political discourse while you’re at it. As you all try to convert each other, fun things will ensue in the meantime.

Lesson the Third: Take care of yourself. This habit is more attractive to people than many realize. For some, it means wearing makeup and buying expensive Product. I don’t recommend that, but on the other hand for a certain set that works. For people I like and want to be with, it means that I eat right, exercise, bathe with regularity and use essential oils to keep my skin and hair soft. Take an honest look at yourself, and ask yourself, “If I didn’t know me, what would my appearance say about me?” Think about what you look for in other people, and what turns you off. Can you imagine what signals you may be sending to others by ignoring the care of your own self, out of sloth or lack of concern? Again, I’m not arguing for a total commitment to today’s pret-a-porter and the season’s color scheme, so much as saying that the basics are basic for a reason. What is funny is that people who exude the stuff I mentioed previously can get away with being slobs, so if slobbery is important to you, know you can get back to it once you reach your romantic goals. Heh, isn’t that the first thing every woman learns in the early weeks of marriage?

This is a pedantic, pretentious, assuming post that in no way belongs on our front page. But I’m moved to pity. I’ve been talking to a lot with some people who do online sex-work, and I’ve learned so much from them, and about American men and online people. So much about what I’m ashamed to say I’ve been taking for granted for a long time now. But everyone, even the Beautiful People, have to learn to overcome fear and self-doubt. There’s another, more vulgar thing I could say, but it’s Monday so I won’t.

The next time I visit this subject, I’ll make it political. Because it’s an easy argument to make: our Masters need you to hate yourself, the better to control you. Forget everything else I’ve said that is shallow and silly, and remember that. They want you to fail to love yourself. When you don’t, you beat them.