Chris Matthews, seen here thinking about disrobing

Today, Chris Matthews will be moderating the GOP Chancellor Debate on MSNBC, and this could be the moment he reveals his love of not just macho/decrepit conservative men but of tongue twisters and the role they play in national politics. That's right: tongue twisters. Oh, yeah.

What I am looking for in the debate are the verbal cyclones that give life a whirl, the music of alliteration, the picking of the peppers that produces pizzicato. Let's face it: political debates are like a truck load of fertilizer that doesn't help anything grow but still smells like shit. If I had my way (and I did, once, and boy was that fun) the following is how I would like to spice up at least part of this afternoon's debate...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you a peek at today's Republican Candidates for Chancellor debate!

Chris Matthews: A big welcome to all the candidates. Starting off, we have tonight Fred Thompson [crickets chirping]--hey, how about French Fried Monkey George Allen's latest job working for you, acting as a campaign co-chair who gives tactical advice to you and your handlers, from tips on how to place a severed deer's head in a black family's mailbox to the use of risible animal references when a brown person takes video of you. With George Allen on your team, you know your good ole' boy bona fides are gonna pop a big woody on the plantation charts fuh shore!

Fred Thompson: How about a big round of applause for me?

[crickets on valium chirping]

Chris Matthews: Listen, Fred Thompson...oh, baby. Listen, I gotta tell you, something about you just charms the pants off of me. They're already at my ankles, and you haven't even locuted yet. I'm sitting here disrobing and smiling like a school girl who knows she is special. I don't know if it's the fact you're an actor like Reagan was or if it's because of the way gravity has pulled your face down like a ball sack accidentally tugged during a Georgia peach harvest. Whatever. But I gotta say, hiring George Allen--not the dead coach, but his son--to be on your team--what was that all about? What are you going for here?

Before Thompson has the opportunity to respond, I want Matthews to add the following:

Chris Matthews: Now, repeat after me: Macaca Chewbaca Tobacco Staccato. And then reverse the order: Staccato Tobacco Chewbaca Macaca. Go.

Fred Thompson: If you had given me the sides earlier...given me the opportunity to...I could have rehersed...can I get a round of applause?

Chris Matthews: Ah, ah, ah. This is big time now, my darling. You have to think on your feet. You could think on my feet but if I was on my knees that would mean you would be behind me. Hmm. Darn these shoes. Okay, let's go: any order at all...Chewbaca Tobacco Macaca Staccato.

Rudy Giuliani: 9/11.

Chris Matthews: Not yet, Rudy. Just hold tight.

Rudy Giuliani: Unique, New York. Unique, New York. 9/11.

Chris Matthews: Very good, Rudy. But it doesn't count. Fred?

Fred Thompson: My tricky red trucky got caught in Kentucky. My tricky red trucky got caught in Kentucky.

Chris Matthews: Man! I want you right now. I want...how about "tricky kentucky macaca tobacco staccato chewbaca cantata red trucky?"

Fred Thompson: Cantata? You can't just add...

Mike Huckabee: Huckabee would work if you...

Chris Matthews: But I like that one. "Tricky kentucky macaca tobacco staccato chewbaca cantata red trucky?"

Fred Thompson: 9/11?

Rudy Giulian: That's mine, you ape.

Chris Matthews: Throwing it out there, big guy. I got to tell you...later. I'll...

John McCain: Our Father, who art in Heaven...

Chris Matthews: Okay, John. Let's toss this one to you. Repeat after me: salacious Ignatius bodacious courageous, inimical biblical Ignatius berates us...cantata.

Fred Thompson: Cantata. Can I have a round of applause please?

John McCain: Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, Iran...

Mitt Romney: Tell me what to say and I'll say it.

Chris Matthews: You know, I love Fred but I gotta say, Mitt, you're the fantasy, my friend. The unattainable fantasy. Oh, I just got one of my shoes off...

Mitt Romney: Just say it and I'll say it. I will say it and then say it again. I'm trying to be our next President!

Chris Matthews: You're already President of my naughty dreams, lover boy. Okay, I got one for you: Massachusetts Chattanooga gastric cruise ship appaloosa. Go.

Mitt Romney: Well, let me just let start by saying everyone here probably just wants to go home and not be here anymore.

Rudy Giulian: What are you saying?

Mitt Romney: Exactly.

Rudy Giulian: The thing you're saying. What is it?

Mitt Romney: That is correct.

Rudy Giulian: I don't know what you're saying.

Mitt Romney: 9/11!

Rudy Giulian: Mine! Mine! Mine!

Sam Brownback: I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

Chris Matthews: I got both shoes off! Mitt, Fred...now! Get down here now!

John McCain: The Lord is my President, I shall not legislate...

Rudy Giulian: 9/11!

Fred Thompson: I got your 9/11 right here...

Chris Matthews: I knew it! Let me show you what a real tongue twister feels like...

(screen goes black--the next day there is some speculation about this turn of events which are shared by a variety of bloggers on the Internet)

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