The Op-Ed pages of the Times are chock full of Republican apologists today, aren’t they? And, funny thing, they’re all advocating retroactive im[m|p]punity for criminals! [The state of our Republic is illustrated at left.] Of course, some of the Republican apologists are nominally Democrats, but that’s nothing new, is it? Chuck’s headline:

A Vote for Justice

Reach me that bucket, wouldja, hon?

Schumer’s bottom line in two sentences:

Most important, Judge Mukasey has demonstrated his fidelity to the rule of law, saying that if he believed the president were violating [note the careful, lawerly use of the present tense] the law he would resign.

I believe that the cruel and inhumane technique of waterboarding is not only repugnant but also illegal under current laws and conventions.

Ah, yes. The triumph of hope over experience. Saying is demonstrating? A Republican? Are you fucking kidding me?

Nevertheless, Schumers sentences exhibit beautiful, beautiful craftsmanship; they’re tiny, faceted jewels of misdirection, obfuscation, and mindfucking. Look what they do:

1. Schumer implies that waterboarding is not already illegal. Therefore, there is no need to prosecute Bush for it. But that’s not true: waterboarding is illegal. We’ve already prosecuted people who practiced it for war crimes! So, by implying that waterboarding might become illegal at some point in the future, Schumer is letting Bush get away with crimes. That’s retroactive immunity.

And in exchange for letting Bush skate, what does tough-minded, brass-knuckled partisan [gag] Upchuck get? Why, meaningless assurances of future good behavior, given in private!

2. The Attorney General promises [not “demonstrates,” Chuck. Jesus. Mukasey hasn’t actually done anything, right?] to uphold the law. How remarkable. Of course, Mukasey’s view of executive power is just as expansive as Bush’s. And since, in Bush’s view, the President just says what the law is, there’s no way the President can break it. Mukasey’s promise is vacuous, a complete nullity.

And what will Upchuck do when Mukasey violates his promise? Send him a sternly worded letter? Maybe break out the big guns, and send him a second sternly worded letter?

What’s that Bible verse about selling your birthright for a mess of pottage? [Genesis 25:31] That’s just what Upchuck has done; sold the Constitution and the rule of law for a vague promise from Mukasey, made in private. Good God.

Damn. Where’s my backup bucket? Shameful, absolutely shameful. I’m ashamed to be a Democrat today. You can politely express your views to Upchuck at (202) 224-6542.