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What's new in the British police state?

Snooping

We last checked in with the British police state about two months ago. Let’s see what’s new.

British bus passengers could soon be forced to use electronic tags to get onto buses. This fits in with the British government's move away from paper checks and toward an electronic system to be implemented by 2018. The best part of an electronic bus pass is that it will surely help prevent bus-based terrorism.

Britain is also making sure its schools are safe. Four-year-olds are being monitored for “radicalization,” and five-year-olds are being taught sexual education. After all, there is nothing worse than a sexually naive five-year-old who is also a terrorist.

British school teachers have also been given the authority to frisk school children and search their school bags for drugs without consent, because we know how seriously Britain takes drug enforcement.

British schools have not only been protecting students against drugs, but they've also been protecting them against obesity. Students in Greater Manchester have been forced to walk to school rather than getting dropped off by their parents to help keep the students in shape. ...Better hustle up, fatties, or we'll take you away from your mothers! Just kidding, of course.

Britain isn’t only making sure its schools are safe. It’s making sure everywhere else is safe as well.

A few months ago, Britain started to put CCTV cameras into the homes of 20,000 "problem families" to make sure that the families raise their children correctly. Sure, this is good for keeping people safe indoors, but what about outdoors?

Well, luckily, the government has been going into the homes of willing citizens and placing CCTV's inside to be trained on the street to keep a watch for "anti-social behaviour."

What about inside private establishments? Can we make them as safe as our homes? Well, luckily, now a pub can be closed down if it doesn't have "sufficient" CCTV coverage. ...And I was afraid I might actually be alone!

Also, if you are ever lonely, don't worry, because new CCTV cameras have been outfitted with speakers, so they can talk to you. ...I want them to tell me how pretty I am!

The best thing about these CCTV cameras is that they're cost-effective. In fact, the top-earning CCTV speeding camera takes in over £420 thousand in fines a year. No wonder people love them so much.

Of course, CCTV isn't Britain's only tool against crime, pre-crime, and legal drinking. Britain is also still capable of that "personal touch." That is why they've given 20,000 town hall bureaucrats the power to enter homes without a warrant.

Reasons these bureaucrats can enter include: checking to make sure a house has an "eco-friendly" refrigerator, making sure a hedge is not too high, and making sure no 'unregulated hypnotism' is taking place. ...Regulated hypnotism, of course, is fine.

Cyberspace also got safer when Britain enlisted telecoms to help them spy on every phone call, email and web search British citizens make. This makes people safer because naturally now the government knows what they're doing.

The information gathered will be available to such important agencies as: local councils, the Financial Services Authority, the ambulance service, fire authorities and even prison governors. ...Finally, ambulance drivers will know what our Google searches have been even if we're unconscious!

The best news for the police state, however, has been that the criminal code has expanded. Since 1997, 3,000 criminal offenses have been created, 1,472 of which are imprisonable. The number of people over 50 entering the criminal justice system has also risen by almost 50% in eight years.

Not only has the criminal code expanded, but the people who have arrest powers has also expanded. In Norwich, mall cops can now arrest people. ...Sorry, Grandpa, but now it looks like you really are going to have to get out of the massage chair.

Despite all these victories, the police state did suffer one setback during the last two months. Britain was collecting the names, dates of birth and passport details of every passenger entering into and exiting from the country well before they got to the airport, just like any good police state would. Then the EU, which after the ratification of the Treaty of Lisbon has authority to overrule member nations' criminal laws, disallowed it.

This truly is a monumental loss. Britain's tyrannical has been overridden by an even greater tyrannical authority. Why is it always thus to tyrants?

Don't worry, Britain. As long as you exist as an independent country, however long that may be, we here in America will always have our eyes on you.

After all, we want to keep you safe.

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Submitted by gmanedit on

Jeez, you can't even pick your nose or sit around in your underwear in the privacy of your own home.